HERE
IS MORE ABOUT ME. WHY AND HOW I BECAME AN ARTIST
In
April 2006, I received a letter from a person who wanted
to show me his work. He wanted me to tell him if I thought
he had a “chance” to become “AN ARTIST*”.
I get this question posed to me in many forms, and often.
Personally,
I think it is a VERY “BIG DEAL” to be working
as an artist. God knows it took me a very long time
to quit my ‘DAY JOBS’. My art has always
been a conflict for me, except when I was a child. As
a child, I simply drew pictures and loved it!
That
I did not make a living from the art that I loved, this
drove me nutz when I got older. I grew more & more
to resent any work I had to do which was not related
to my passion. Yes, I developed a passion for my art.
I think that’s something you need to make any
money at it.
I
was accused of being a “HOBBY ARTIST” because
I could only do my art at night. And it is true that
there is a world of difference between doing art every
day and doing it only when you have “spare time”.
I
think that my biggest mistake as a young man was ever
getting a day job in the first place. I should have
let myself starve and live in a rat trap shack, rather
than take a road that did not include my art. (And this
is my advise to anyone who is serious about their art;
Pursue it rather than wealth and luxury. These things
do not fulfill the soul!)
The
truth is, I am still conditioned to doubt myself. I
am still concerned about this question; “Am I
an artist”? Even though I make a living at it,
STILL, there are these dark clouds of uncertainty. Years
of conditioning at work. Now, for me, it has evolved
from “Am I an artist” to something more
like, “Am I a ‘good’ artist”
... I intellectually understand that this is nonsense.
But I must admit, this particular devil grinds away
at me still. In spite of my conflictions, people look
to me to be the judge of their talent? To me that is
somewhat ironic.
Some
of you might find this pretentious. I understand. I
think it is pretentious, and I considered not posting
it. However, the pretense is an assumption that I know
things that this guy doesn't know. I do.
There
is also a suggestion of a pretense that I am an “outstanding
artist”. That is completely subjective notion,
and I do not claim that I am anything of the sort. I
am certainly NO art critic. All art is subjective. I
claim that I love my art as though it was the thing
that makes me what I am ... and that is true.
This
is the response I made. The original letter is not included,
and the name has been changed.
Hi
John - I like your work. And thanks for your good words
about mine. It took me many years to get to a point
where I could get commissioned work, let alone sell
anything. What I see in your work is a talent that must
be developed. I know you have the talent necessary to
become a full time compensated artist. At this point,
I think you should try doing some work that is strictly
done for you. You are offering too much of yourself
to others. This is my opinion of course, which you have
asked for.
I’m
going to tell you how I got to where I am now with my
art. I hope that it will help you to find your way to
where you want to be with your art. Maybe it will change
your mind as to what you want.
The
day I decided that I would draw and paint for the rest
of my life, whether or not I received any recognition,
was the day that my work truly began in earnest. Prior
to that, it was simply something I enjoyed upon occasion,
and something that helped me placate my moods. I learned
the habit of drawing in extreme moods from an early
age. It helped calm me.
That
day occurred when an artist friend made the comment;
“Well, you have some talent, but you’ll
never be Di Vinci. (HAR!-HAR!)” What an asinine
thing to say! I stewed about that for days. Finally
I came to a drastic conclusion and a steadfast conviction.
It was what people now call an ‘epiphany’,
and I knew that it would be a wide turn in my life’s
road. My thought was this; “Then I will do art
for what it does for me, even if I never make a fuking
dime! ... I will develop this talent I have, weather
it’s a small or big talent, it is MY talent! I
want to do this, and I will do this for myself, and
screw anyone who doesn’t like it!” It was
a rebellious thought. But the “rebellion”
was born of the fear that my art was not good enough.
In any case, I refused to give it up.
I
took a safe route of not allowing my art to become my
overt persona. Now, I look back and see the many consequences
of this action with both delight and regret. Regret
that I wasted so many years working in jobs that took
me away from my art. Delight because I did stay true
to my oath, and in doing so, and not trying to please
anyone other than myself, I developed a way of externalizing
my perception of life in a way uniquely uninfluenced
by the concerns of money or acceptance. (The latter
being, in my opinion, absolutely impossible to avoid
completely, I must admit to some influence)
When
I made this decision I was 27 years old. It was 1978.
My
talent was always in question when I was young. Mostly
I was the one doing all the questioning. When I got
older I came to understand that talent, like many things,
is subjective.
From
that special day forward I put much more time into my
art. My work maintained it’s honesty because it
was something I did for me. And of course, it made no
money. The action of art became a very important way
for me to relax and maintained a balance in my life.
My day job drained me, but my art at night fulfilled
me. Each new drawing or painting brought me great pride
of accomplishment. Very few people ever saw those early
works.
Later
on, years later, I wanted to show people my work. At
that point, those who did see my work encouraged me.
Even my artist pal that made the Di Vinci comment. It
is VERY important to practice. Without practice you
will never know what you are capable of. In art, the
more you work, the more you discover.
Five
years later, working five days out of seven, not really
full time at all, I was "invited" to show
my works at a restaurant/gallery, (not a real gallery).
I did so, and I sold nothing. However, it was wonderful
to watch the faces of those who gazed upon my paintings
and drawings. I spent as much time there as I could
- a fly on the wall!
As
time went on I was in some group shows and some one
man shows in very small galleries (that I'm sure no
longer exist) I did not sell anything until I'd been
painting for 10 years. And that was to someone I knew.
However, I had begun to build a body of work.
I think it was about 15 years before a person with no
ulterior motive, (not a relative or friend) bought one
of my paintings. After that I began to sell work at
a rate of about 1 or 2 paintings a year.
In
1994 the internet began to become popular. A friend,
(an "early adopter") built me a small website
and put up about 60 paintings with written descriptions.
That brought me many more people with lots to say about
my body of work, but still not many sales.
I
would have to say my art remained a hobby, although
a very impassioned one. My website grew, and I taught
myself how to build and manage it myself. I then started
selling prints that I also made myself. I would sell
maybe one or two $25.00 prints every 3 months. And that
pleased and excited me no end! If some young person
would say, "I can't afford your art, but I love
it", I would often send them a free print. (I still
do this when asked with sincerity) I always allowed
people to download my art for free, no questions. Struggling
bands could have my art to use on their album covers
for whatever they could afford, which was usually nothing.
These young people got older, got jobs, and became some
of my collectors.
As
I said, I put up my first website in 1994. In many ways,
it has not changed, I believe I placed my first EBAY
art auction around 1998. I sold many more prints. I
also continued to do art shows in San Francisco and
Los Angeles. I began to sell originals more often. I
kept drawing and painting, and still never looked at
it for monetary support. I tried not to let my ego influence
my work, but this is obviously impossible. Consciously,
I make a valiant effort to not be influenced by the
devils of recognition. The important thing for me is
to be unafraid to say what I truly feel. The trick and
the challenge is to stay objective enough to know how
YOU feel. We are bombarded by influences. Sometimes
I wonder if we know anything truly pristine.
This
long process might have taken less time had I the courage
to drop everything and devote ALL my time to my art.
However, then it would have become necessary for me
to make a living at it, and who knows how that would
have influenced me? During these decades I always had
a "day job". My art was my passion, the job
was for money. In the beginning this was okay. However,
in time this began to torture me. More and more I resented
any work other than my art. Anything that took my precious
time was despised.
In
the 1990’s, when I would go out, (anywhere) I
would take with me a set of small prints of my paintings
folded in an envelop. I would show these to anyone and
everyone I met. In bars, in restaurants, in nightclubs
... on the street. This went on and on until my art
became an obsession that made me despise and resent
anything else I "had" to do in life. Mostly
what I resented was my "J-O-B".
These
were difficult times. You might say it was my "mid-life
crisis" I ended up drinking a lot and taking drugs,
even getting badly addicted to narcotics. My world began
to self-destruct. Or perhaps I should say, I destroyed
it. I see now it was the imbalance I created in my life
by not having the courage to pursue my dreams. Because
I was not doing what I was built to do, my life became
perverse. My need for my art was fighting inside me.
I did not know how to tear down the walls that prevented
me from doing what I loved. If I’d been wiser,
I would have taken the time to sell my business. Instead,
I lost my business of nearly 20 years due to neglect
and burned my house down in one drunken frenzy. This
occurred on July 5th, 1995.
In
this fire I lost all my art tools, books and many paintings.
(Fortunately, many of my paintings were at a gallery
at that time and were saved)
I
believe I suffered from P.T.S.D. for the next 5-7 years.
I stayed a narcotics addict and though I'm basically
cleaned up now, I still suffer greatly from this experience.
I’d say it took me 10 years to crawl out of that
hole. A hole I dug.
If
not for the love of my girl friend, (now my wife), I
don’t know how far this self destruction would
have gone. She took me in after the fire. I had nowhere
to go. I had no cloths, no home. If she had not been
there it is possible I would have eventually killed
myself. She has been a huge part of my recovery from
these difficult days. She has always been there to encouraged
me. She supported me financially while I developed my
art. Today, she is helping as my art representative.
She does all she can to keep me at my easels.
Even
during the worst of it, I continued creating art. In
1999 I moved to Los Angeles and married my wife. I set
up a new studio. In the beginning I took another temporary
"day job", but concentrated more and more
on my art as a career rather than an obsessive hobby.
My focus sharpened.
I
sold more prints and more originals. I do not hold on
to my art anymore. I learned that from the fire. I sell
everything. I sold more and more art during these first
years in Los Angeles, 1998 -2003. My wife continued
to help me by supplementing our income.
I
dumped the final day job 5 years after moving to Los
Angeles. (2004) Finally, I started painting every day.
Day and night. Everything I paint goes up for sale.
I sell to my special collectors, I sell through my website.
I sell through other website's and I sell through EBAY.
I
am generating more interest, collectors find me now
from many directions .I separate the business aspects
of selling my art from the creation of it. That is difficult
however, I am older, and much harder to influence now.
My
work has been gaining in popularity in the past few
years. It’s been increasing dramatically since
I finally stopped working at other jobs, and started
dedicating all my time to my artworks. I try to work
at least 10 hours every day, and some days up to 14
hours. It is VERY different to work like this, to put
in so many hours. I have learned so much, and continue
to learn every time I spend time in creation. It is
marvelous. I did not know it would be like this. The
evolution of my work moves much more quickly. I am finding
things in my art that I never knew I could find there.
Lessons about life and myself. There are worlds, universes
in my art. it’s like embarking on a journey of
monumental discoveries. This, I would never have discovered
had I not finally become a “full time” artist.
John, I’m glad that you see me as a success. That
gives me courage and inspiration. This is how I like
to be perceived. It has been a long road … as
you now see. Now I am a success. I believe I will become
more popular as an artist. My art is my life’s
influence on the world. My diary, created in the metaphor
of art.
Now
I am in a race with time to leave behind as many works
of art as I can. At age 54, I have no idea how much
time I have left. Each piece is like a child, and a
teacher, because I learn from each one.
I
believe that we may live on beyond this world. If that
is so, it is the wisdom that we achieve here that will
determine where our essence will go. I think we all
may be striving to become God-like. I create art in
the same way I perceive God as a creator of worlds.
I create my worlds, God create his. I believe I can
make an impact on our culture. Small or large, it does
not matter. Like the ripples of a pebble thrown into
a still pond, my life has its effect on all the waters
of life. This is what creation is always about. To effect
change. Anyone who ever creates anything for the sake
of its creation, strives to walk in the footsteps of
a God.
I
can say that I seldom compromise about the reasons that
I love the art I make. The day I decided that my art
would always be for me, was the best decision I ever
made. I never broke that promise to myself.
I
have been cowardly, lazy and selfish. I have let my
fears keep me in occupations that made me unhappy, and
kept me from my art. I have striven for luxury and false
security, (there is none really) Yet, a far worse fate
would have been to let my art be swayed by my needs
and wants. I can never know if I had the strength of
character to overcome those influences of those who
might have paid me to do the art THEY wanted. I only
know that I can overcome them now. And in fact, I think
I prevented myself from monetary success derived from
art until I knew that I could say no to the temptations
on temporary monetary gain.
It
has not been until the last year or two that I’ve
finally begun to make a decent living. It’s still
spotty. One month good, another not so good. This continues
to fluctuate. However, I am now booked with custom commissions
until early 2007, and all things are looking up.
I
am not rich, but I am enriched when I am in front of
my easels. I’ve been doing art almost every day
since I was 27. That is 27 years, almost exactly half
my life.
This
is what I had to do to “succeed” as an artist.
I’m sure it is different for everyone. However,
I can pretty much guarantee you that you will have fight
to keep your objectivity in order to be fulfilled in
important ways as an artist.
I
wish you luck.
When
first the dawn of a new born sun shown on the green
and gold, our father, Adam, sat under the tree and scratched
with a stick in the mold.
The
first rude sketch that the world had seen brought joy
to his mighty heart.
But
the devil whispered from behind the leaves, “It’s
pretty... But is it Art?”
*artist
noun
a person who produces paintings or drawings as a profession
or hobby.
• a person who practices any of the various creative
arts, such as a sculptor, novelist, poet, or filmmaker.
• a person skilled at a particular task or occupation
: a surgeon who is an artist with the scalpel.
• a performer, such as a singer, actor, or dancer.
• informal [with adj. ] a habitual practitioner
of a specified reprehensible activity : a con artist
| rip-off artists.
ORIGIN early 16th cent.(denoting a master of the liberal
arts): from French artiste, from Italian artista, from
arte art, from Latin ars, art-.
|
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