It is with the saddest heart and heavy thighs that we must pass on the following news... Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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The Philosophy Professor

I had a philosophy professor who was the quintessential eccentric philospher. His disheveled appearance was highlighted by a well-worn tweed sport coat and poor-fitting thick glasses, which often rested on the tip of his nose. Every now and then, as most philosphy professors do, he would go off on one of those esoteric and existential "what's the meaning of life" discussions. Many of those discussions went nowhere, but there were a few that really hit home. This was one of them:

"Respond to the following questions by a show of hands," my professor instructed. "How many of you can tell me something about your parents?" Everyone's hand went up. "How many of you can tell me something about your grandparents?" About three-fourths of the class raised their hands. "How many of you can tell me something about your great-grandparents?" Two out of sixty scholars raised their hands. "Look around the room," he said, "In just two short generations hardly any of us even know who our own great-grandparents were. Oh sure, maybe we have an old, tattered photgraph tucked away in a musty cigar box or know the classic family story about how one of them walked five miles to school barefoot. But how many of us really know who they were, what they thought, what they were proud of, what they were afraid of, or what they dreamed about? Think about that. Within three generations our ancestors are all but forgotten. Will this happen to you?"

"Here's a better question, Look ahead three generations. You are long gone. Instead of you sitting in this room, now it's your great-grandchildren. What will they have to say about you? Will they know about you? Or will you be forgotten, too? Is your life going to be a warning or an example? What legacy will you have? The choice is yours. Class dismissed." Nobody moved from their seat for a good five minutes.

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After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His obnoxious brother ................. Please Gogh

His dizzy aunt ......................... Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes ............. Gotta Gogh

The constipated uncle ................... Cant Gogh

Brother who opened a convenience store.. Stopn Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ............ U Gogh

Brother who bleached his clothes white.... Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois ............... Chica Gogh

His magician uncle ................ Wherediddy Gogh

His Italian uncle ........................ Day Gogh

His Mexican cousin ...................... Amee Gogh

Mexican cousin's American half brother... Grin Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach... Wellsfar Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ................ Tan Gogh

A sister who loved disco .................. Go Gogh

The bird lover uncle .................. Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst ................... E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin .................. Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking... Way to Gogh

The little bouncing nephew ............... Poe Gogh

Niece who travels the US in a van.. Winnie Bay Gogh

Where did his ear Gogh?

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"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

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