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		About Me: newmommy37( 17507)

DANNY JR'S STORY WELCOME--AND PLEASE LEND ME A PRAYER :

------ITS HARD TO BELIEVE A WHOLE YEAR HAS GONE BY ALREADY, AND OUR LITTLE MAN HAS ENDURED SO MUCH. THE SURVIVAL OF OUR FAMILY HAS ENTIRELY HINGED ON PRAYER, FAITH AND FRIENDSHIPS THAT HAVE BEEN CULMINATED BY VIEWERS LIKE YOU THAT HAVE EXTENDED SO MUCH OF YOURSELVES. THIS JOURNEY HAS BEEN PAINFUL AND TRYING, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LONELY. SO MANY OF YOU HAVE EXTENDED YOUR ARMS AND TAKEN US IN AS AN EXTENDED PART OF YOUR FAMILY AND HELPED US THROUGH THE TRYING TIMES, CRIED WITH US, AND SHARED THE MOMENTS OF JOY ALTHOUGH FEW AND FAR BETWEEN. THIS STARTED OUT AS A QUEST TO FIND CURES AND ANSWERS FOR DANNY JR'S AFFLICTIONS, BUT HAS BLOSSOMED INTO SO MUCH MORE...THE WORDS "THANK YOU" FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS CAN NEVER EXPRESS WHAT WE FEEL FOR SO MANY OF YOU. --THE BALOW FAMILY :

---IF YOU WISH TO HAVE DANNY'S FULL STORY, PLEASE E-MAIL US AND WE WILL BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO SEND IT TO YOU. THE STORY BELOW CONTINUES ON FROM A YEAR AGO. WE ARE LIMITED TO SPACE ON THIS SITE...SORRY. DANNY JR. HAS SPINA BIFIDA, RARE BLOOD DISORDER ONLY PERSON IN THE U.S.A. WITH IT, SHUNT, PORTACATHE, G-TUBE, CAN'T MOVE FROM THE WAIST DOWN, HAS HAD 24 SURGERIES TO DATE. HE IS TERMINALLY ILL. THERE IS NO CURE FOR WHAT HE HAS.

---UPDATE---

---DANIEL BALOW

---604 Bluebird

---Troy Illinois 62294

---UPDATE--- November 7, 2004---Barb is asleep now, and I have a chance to give an update. Danny is gasping for air, and pulling air through the small opening in his neck and his mouth. His nose is clogged up with discharge that is impossible to keep up with. We are playing with borrowed time at this point, and I know it. I will be honest…I have been crying all day, as Barb has been taking care of EBay, and yet taking time out to spend time with Danny Jr. I have never been such an emotional bath. I watch him struggle for air, and I am panicking…picking him up in the air letting his legs fall to the ground, and giving his lungs maximum capacity, Even with my efforts…he is gasping. I have never felt my heart as vulnerable and hurting as this. I am helpless. Daddy has always had the answers. When he has struggled, I have gotten the answers…hell or high water. But now, I am faced with the fact that I am the spectator…the village idiot…awaiting the inevitable. I am panicking in my heart…in my emotions….a feeling I as a military man am uncomfortable with. I have been trained with composure and at minimum the art of the skill of the ability to be able to reason out the problem. I am a professional right? Perhaps in the art of war…but with this…I am like anybody else…scared. Damn scared. Hell, I'm Terrified. I sit on the couch tonight, and watch him grab at my face out of angst, because he cannot breathe…and daddy can do nothing. I watch him strive to gain oxygen, when I lay him in his bed…and I can do nothing. I find myself sitting in the garage…on the boxes of his formula that I have yet to put away…and letting it all hang loose. I can’t catch up…and neither will he…I am lucky to get him to sleep. I ask myself how I will be able to accept his death…his burial...now when I’m 35…when I’m 70. Will my angst and pain become less…or will I remember the last night I comforted him…like tonight…with morphine and rocking? I feel so empty…like I’m doing the bare minimum. I cannot let him out of my sight or sleep. I do love my son so…he is my everything………Dan Sr,

---UPDATE--- November 7, 2004--We want everyone to know Danny has taken a turn for the worse, he no longer can tolerate feedings and believe me we have tried everything but they said his organs some were shut down and others failing rapidly and they think this is the cause of the puffiness and the feeds not going in they sit in his stomach and rot. He is very pale right now, breathing rapidly and comfortable under the morphine. The look this morning as best we can describe it is the look of death coming very soon. I personally don't think he will make it through tonight. With him not tolerating feeds Hospice said it would be 2-3 days. We will update more as have been crying all day with very little sleep and both of us throwing up here all day. Haley is fine though please don't worry about her. We have Sonja Woods a wonderful ebay friend coming this afternoon from St. Louis to help me out here. Dan has to take his sister to the bus station as she leaves today so Sonya with stay with me as it's very touch and go right now. I took several pics for everyone to see him and I will download them and send them to Cathy for the caring to post on the caringbridge site those who can't stomach these last pics please don't look as he is very very sick. love you all pray for us all we need it now more than we ever did because as we got closer to this day it has gotten so much harder to think clearly.

---UPDATE--- November 7, 2004--NIGHT UPDATE BY SONJA WOODS-- Hi everybody - I can't believe I'm typing on the same page I check many times each day. Like all of you, I care deeply for the Balow family. When I saw Danny a couple of weeks ago he was obviously very ill, but he was still moving around the floor and playing with blocks & such. Today when I got here he was white as a sheet and laying listlessly in his Mommy's arms. His lips are blue and his fingernails are purple. He has gotten worse throughout the day. Danny started getting warm quickly and his fever got up to 105. Danny was completely limp at this time and could no longer control his head or arms. Hospice said Barb & Dan could give him Tylenol to get the fever down and we also wrapped him in cold towels. You are probably wondering, why didn't we do that in the first place? Well, I'm starting to understand more and more, there are so many circumstances we (outside the Balow family) have no clue about. For example, Danny is severely dehydrated right now because that's what the hospice people & doctors have encouraged. They believe it's better on a terminally ill patient to not be hydrated (lots of medical jargon behind this, Barb let me read it, but I still don't quite understand). Since he's dehydrated, they can't let water come in contact with his skin. Hospice told them it would cause his tissue/skin to swell terribly if it got wet. Sooo, your normal response is to put a cool washcloth on his skin, but that was against the "rules". They were also not previously allowed to give him Tylenol (another normal response). After Dan contacted hospice they told him Danny could have some water and could have Tylenol. That brought the fever down immediately, but it is still elevated. Once his fever came down, he came back around and was trying to move his head and arms. He even was playing with Dan for a few moments. Barb ran for the video camera and they were able to capture it on film. I'm sure they will treasure that for years to come. He's watching the Wiggles right now, but his eyes keep rolling back in his head and you have to wipe the blood from his Trach hole every minute or two. I counted his breaths per minute and they were 5 breathes one minutes and 6 breathes the other minute. His heart is racing and probably beating at least twice a second. Because of the dehydration, his lips and mouth are completely dried out. This looks so uncomfortable and we have tried to moisten them, but he chokes & gags on any liquid in his mouth. So that's what we're dealing with tonight. I will spend the night here and try to sit with Danny Jr. so hopefully Barb & Dan can get some rest. (Thanks Mom for watching the kids for me - you're the best!) Haley really is doing great. She's such a little trooper, just like her brother. She and I played hide & seek, watched videos and put a puzzle together. She's incredibly upbeat even when the rest of us are crying and carrying on. The Balow family covets your prayers and so appreciates the kind words in Danny's Caringbridge guestbook. Thank you for supporting this precious family. New auctions listed for Danny please go to user name sarahpooh2001

---UPDATE From Sonja Woods--- November 8, 2004-- AT 6AM TODAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2004, DANIEL STUART BALOW BECAME AN ANGEL. WE ARE PRAISING GOD THAT HE PEACEFULLY WENT INTO OUR FATHER'S PRESENCE. THE FAMILY REQUESTS THAT YOU PLEASE HOLD ALL CALLS UNTIL AFTER 5 THIS EVENING. WE WILL UPDATE THIS PAGE AS SOON AS WE HAVE INFORMATION REGARDING THE VISITATION & FUNERAL. PLEASE PRAY FOR DISCERNMENT FOR DECISIONS THE FAMILY MUST MAKE. ALSO PRAY FOR PEACE, STRENGTH AND COMFORT FOR THE BALOW FAMILY. THANK YOU ALL FOR CARING SO MUCH.

---UPDATE from Sonja--- November 8, 2004--FUNERAL & VISITATION INFORMATION Friends can visit the Balow family at Laughlin Funeral Home after 4:00 pm on Thursday, November 11. The Graveside Service will be at 10:00 am, Friday, November 12, at Friedens Cemetery, Troy, Illinois. Everyone is invited to join the family at Bethel Baptist Church immediately following the Graveside Service for a Memorial Luncheon. Ebay and out of town friends, please email Judy Pilewski (jpilewski@aol.com) or Sonja Woods (mom2joel@yahoo.com) for directions, help with accomodations and additional information. As you can imagine, Barb is having quite a time getting to email and we don't want to burden her further. The family wants to thank everyone for their prayers, kind thoughts and guestbook entries. These will be cherished always.

---UPDATE---UPDATE-- November 8, 2004--BY BARBARA BALOW, I want to first begin by telling everyone thank you for being here for us, for the beautiful emails and prayers. I want to share with you the last few days of Danny’s life. Thursday the 4th Danny became very ill and it a lot of pain. We knew we had to call Hospice, they got here Friday and to make a long story short he was that day started on Morphine for the pain at 6p.m. Our son at first was wired from the medication and alert and then relaxed so here we thought this was good no pain and he will be o.k. I really thought he would be ok and come out of this like he has any other time. They told me his organs had shut down that day and to stop feeding him. I looked at those people in disbelief and told them there was no way I could stop feeding him. I cute the feeds down but continued as my conscious would not let me stare my child my beautiful son. That night he was to me ok but looked really sick. He woke up Saturday and that look he had on his face was one I will never forget. It was a look of giving up, tired and wanting to just rest. So we started out with the trach hole crusted over maybe 5 times and made me sick. His mouth was so dry it looked like webs inside. Sonya and I tried to give him ice but he choked on the water so we had to back off. We used some lip balm that a sweet lady off of eBay sent us then. As the night drew close his breathing lessoned. Sunday was the hectic with his mouth so dry his tongue stuck to the inside of his mouth. We bathed him while Sonya kept Haley upstairs. The fever had begun. By 7pm the fever was getting higher and by 9 or so not remembering exact times here as I am so messed up right now and fuzzy but the fever reached 105. Dan told us to get wet towels and lay him on them and start wiping him down. We called Hospice and they said to give him Tylenol. At around 10:30 a little miracle happened keep in mind since early that day Danny went limp his head to his feet. At this time he began to move his arms and reach for Daddy for play time which he did for about 10 minutes and we video taped it. Took several pictures and enjoyed each moment and then nothing he was limp again and asleep. I was tired from being up for 2 days I needed to go to bed so I fed Danny gave him his medications and Dan’s best friend slept next to Danny on the floor to watch him as at this time the trach hole was bleeding and he had to wipe it every few minutes. My older son Randy arrived at 2am and said for some reason he just had to come up early as he usually makes a visit the next day. So he helped Joe that night. Joe fell asleep as Randy watched over for about 3 hours then Joe woke at 5:45 he said as he looked over at Danny he put his hand on his chest and as he did he felt Danny’s heart stop and then he stopped breathing. He shook Danny several times with no success. He sent Randy to get me and I jumped out of bed as I just knew what had happened. I ran downstairs and to Danny and as I got to him I saw his leg move and he took a breath, I said no he’s ok he’s ok and I picked him up and cradled him and sang to him but as I was singing I noticed he was not breathing and his color began to change. I had Randy run to get Dan who raced to me and the baby. We both sat there and cried louder and harder than you can ever imagine. I wanted to get on here so you can be here with us for everything; you all have been here for years following his progress and now this. As I held Danny we waited for Hospice to get there. They arrived at 7:00 A.M. and pronounced Danny dead at 7:01 even though we know he died at 6:05. We waited for the funeral home to arrive and this is what I want you all to READ IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE HERE: I was so upset so mad and so yearning for my son I looked at him in a deep cry and told him I wished I could just see him one more time play with his toys or scoot himself across the floor, as I said this there was a toy on top of his toy chest and remember this toy is touch activated and had been shut off. The toy began to play music and all our jaws hit the floor. The hospice nurse came around and asked if that toy had just went off and as we began to say yes the toy went off for a second time. We all froze, I asked Sonja if she heard it and she said yes, there was nothing to make that toy go off. I knew at that point that Danny’s spirit was still there and at that very moment he touched the toy not once because he knows mommy is a skeptic with that stuff but twice to make sure I knew it was him and that he was ok. I now am a firm believer in whatever is out there after this life. You would have never heard that from me before but after what I saw this morning I will never forget it and that toy will be with us forever. We waited another before hospice got through to release forms and this was not acceptable as Danny had turned cold on me and I wrapped him in a blanket and then the stiffness set it. I was mortified, this left the biggest scar on me that I can’t even begin to tell you about, His body was so stiff I couldn’t even move his arm. His body was stiff all over the colors were changing throughout his body and he was white as a sheet. I held him close and kissed his cheeks and whispered softly to him that I loved him and told him he was so love by so many people and that we will all miss him. Haley came in the room at this time and the look on her face will forever be etched in my memory as we thought we had prepared her well, nothing could prepare any of us for this. She had tears well up and said mommy is Danny dead and I said yes baby he is asleep and has gone to heaven, she had the look like bring him back now. I asked her if she wanted to come down there and touch him and she said no and ran behind Randy and wanted to go upstairs which he took her. We decided to send her to school to deal with the day and as she left she ran in there looked at me and had a look of disbelief and ran by Danny Jr rubbed her fingers through his hair and then ran off.

---The feeling we had we can’t even describe in words. Our loss has taken a toll on us and when they took Danny out of my arms I cried so hard and watched him go with tears filling my eyes and dropping to the floor in buckets. When they took him they took half my heart with them. My pain right now is so intense. I am confused angry and tired. I lost my my beautiful son today, he has earned his wings but I sure didn’t want him to go. He is no longer in pain but my heart will forever be in pain. There is no way I can ever get over this, no way to ever be the same, you are changed forever. My heart may heal over time but the pain will be there, the longing to hold my son will be here, I fear right now the days ahead as I count down to Thursday to the visitation when they close that casket and I know I will never touch him again or see his face again not now anyway. I have pain fear and so many hurt emotions. This is how I feel please put yourself where I am at this very moment when reading these lines. I sit here and cry as I type this so hard tears fill my keyboard I WANT MY BABY BACK I WANT MY SON I WANT HIM HERE WITH ME!!! Yes I know I will see him again soon and yes I know he’s not in pain and yes I know he with God and a beautiful little angel and running and playing and it may be selfish of me but I have always told you my true feeling and I want my son I want him here to watch him scoot, to watch the Wiggles, to watch him smile. To sit by the back door and watch it rain, I want to see him light up when I run around the corner and he laughs so hard, I MISS THAT GOD FORGIVE ME FOR BEING SELFISH but I miss him oh my God I miss him, I love him so much and my arms ache to hold him close. My heart aches so badly oh so badly I hurt inside. My body aches I am sick at my stomach I can’t believe he’s gone. This is how I feel right now. I am so sick.

---I want to thank everyone that has sent emails we have over 600 in the inbox and I will get to them after this week. We want to thank everyone for all the beautiful post and all the help you are sending. The florist called today and said they have a lot of flowers coming for Danny and we were so happy you all are so kind we love you all. We have a lot of emails again asking where to send donations, please note anything sent right now will go towards Danny Jr’s funeral expenses and burial site.

--- please sign the caring bridge site as we will keep that forever and I go in it in the evening to read all the post. This is for all those who wanted me to take pictures until the end and we did, we have pictures of me holding Danny Jr right at the end, email if you would like to see them but please remember in these pictures Danny has already passed away so please don’t email for them if you can’t handle seeing these, they were taken upon request for many ebay friends and we will also take pictures at the visitation and funeral for all those who stayed close but can’t be there. I must go to bed now and try to rest as my body is very weak, love you all so so much.

---UPDATE---NOVEMBER 9TH, 2004--As we sit here waiting for Thursday to arrive we grow restless and nervous thinking about how we will never see Danny again after they close the casket. I don't want it to get here but then again I want to see Danny again. My heart aches for him, my body is weak and my mind races with thoughts of him and memories of things he did. I wanted to assure everyone that Haley is doing fine, she is laughing and playing with visitors and friends. She does ask abut Danny quite a bit and today sat here drawing him pictures to put inside his casket for him to take with him. But in all she is a strong little girl and taking things very well. Sonja has been here with me for days now helping with everything which leaves me to think more about the days to come and not have to worry about arrangements or anything else. We thank her so much for being here with us through this all. We are blessed to have such a beautiful caring friend. She has been on the computer day and night answering emails. We want to thank all of you who sent donations to help with the funeral expenses. This was one huge worry we had on top of everything else so thank you all for making this so much easier. I know we have heard the comments of how Danny has touched so many lives but all of you have forever changed our lives here for the better, the family and friends we have made here for life we are so grateful for. All of you are what helped our family keep going through thick and thin, through hard times and good times. I am sure Danny is looking down at each one of you who have been there with us through this all. May God bless each and every one of you and watch over you all and may you have the peace that excels all thought, we love you all. Thank you all for making me a better mom to Danny, Haley, David and Randy. My heartfelt gratitude to all the families that supported us. On Friday at 10:30 A.M. we will be releaseing Wiggles balloons into the sky for Danny to play with we ask all those that can to take a Wiggles balloon and release it in memory of our beautiful son Danny Jr. and be a part of this with us. If you can take pictures while doing this please send them to us for his hope chest. Thank you all.

---UPDATE---NOVEMBER 10TH, 2004--The day started out with Haley waking up and she was so upset and crying because her daddy didn't take down Danny Jr's bed yet, as she said it bothered her being in his room still set up so Dan called some friends from the base who came over when she went to school and took it down. I couldn't watch as the took it away because I felt again like my heart was being torn in two. Sonja came over with her mom Judy and they helped me out this morning and bought me a rose and a beautiful angel holding up a baby so I set it right by Danny's pictures. They got Haley some balloons as she was so happy when she got home. Debby Emond and Melody arrived from Canada today and I was thrilled to see them. We talked for a long time and then went to get Haley some shoes and tights to wear and get me some shoes. So it was nice to get out for a bit. Dan's dad arrived today also. Joe stayed with us all day and left a little bit ago. Dan just left to take his dad to the hotel and I sit here with my thoughts about tomorrow and tears well up in my eyes because I know I will see my son again but not the way I want to. I want him in my arms to hold and protect him the thoughts of putting him in the ground that is so cold and so unforgiving just kills me inside. I can't bear to think about him being alone even though I know he's in heaven watching over us all. The thoughts are there and I struggle with them, the emptiness and the lonely feelings that are deep in my heart. The routine around here has changed so much that I walk around spaced out sometimes not knowing how I got from one room to another. People talk to me and I hear them but I don't if that makes sense. My mind is on tomorrow and when I see my son again and after the services I know I will never touch him or feel his little face again. I miss hearing the sounds he made and the funny faces he would make. I miss when he would scoot himself all over especially to look out the back door and just be by me while I worked on ebay. I feel so guilty inside not spending more time with him it tears me apart. I knew if I didn't do eBay we would go under here so I had to but yet I ache for him and I ask his forgiveness every night for being such a bad mommy and not holding him more and having to work so much. I was in the tub today and just cried so hard and begged him to forgive me; I went over so many what if I would have done this or that. I hope he forgives us for not being able to save him and not being able to give him more time than we did. I have these feelings so deep that hurt so bad it's like a knife getting turned in your heart when you walk around the corner and look and he's no longer there, no longer watching his wiggles. To imagine think about your child and what they love to do best and then all of a sudden they are taken from you and you never get to see them do what ever they loved the most anymore. Danny loved the Wiggles and whenever I hear them I just faint with pain. Haley was playing the wiggles guitar down here and my mind just raced seeing Danny smile and slap the carpet in excitement and laugh so hard at Jeff when they would yell "wake up Jeff" he would go crazy. He would laugh so hard when daddy jumped out at him from around the corner, he would laugh so hard when Haley would act the fool for him. He just loved his sister she was his everything and I can’t imagine the loss my little girl really feels. She would come every day and look for him and she still does. She calls for him out of routine the same way I still go to make his medications up. Dan goes over to kiss him goodbye only to realize this morning he's not there and he cries so had for our little boy. I miss the little sounds at night he would make in his bedroom and they way he snored so loud, I can still hear it at night but I think it's because I'm so tired. The thing I miss the most is how he ran his fingers through mommy's hair and would smile and then laugh. I miss that so much oh my Dear God in heaven I miss that. H e was such a snuggle bunny and just wanted to be loved all the time and held. He was and is a good baby boy and perfect son, a son who taught me so much and a son who brought us together with so many friends here. How could I ever thank my own son for that? We will always keep the me page going and keep you updated about us and Haley and keep pictures going with Haley. Tomorrow we will take lots of pictures and video. We know most people can't be here but he's in your hearts too and will live on in each of us and we thank him for all the lives he has touched. Our journal here was well worth keeping up and we love you all. Pray for us all tomorrow as it will be a rough day that I am not looking forward to. Love you all my good friends and family love you so so much.

---UPDATE---NOVEMBER 11TH, 2004---VISITATION DAY--Next to Danny passing away Monday this one of the hardest days of my life. Seeing Danny in the casket just made me sick but yet I knew the moment I saw him he was no longer in pain. I read the emails sent to me and re-read them and they hit me hard and made me think and I want to thank you all. I came to realize I was and I am a good mommy. I did everything I could to make Danny happy and give him the best life possible. I was there for every cry for every laughter and every surgery and illness. I did what I could to make sure he knew we all loved him. I looked at him today and even though at first he didn’t look much like I remembered with all the makeup on and his hair was kind of weird looking I knew that as my baby and he was at peace. Of course mommy went up there fixed his hair the right way and I felt his cheeks and his hands and I held it and told him I would love him forever and he will always be in my heart and prayers. I will treasure each and every memory and keep his spirit alive through pictures and video. I kissed him several times and then I told him how much he was loved by so many eBay friends all over the world and here is a kiss from all of them and bent down and kissed his forehead his nose his cheeks and his lips and told him to watch over each and every eBay friend who loved him dearly.

--- The flowers are so beautiful they took our breath away, the arrangements with angels and bears and toys and stuffed toys and plants were just breath taking. People were in awe over all the flowers and all the friends Danny has. Thank you all for making that so special for us. We counted and there were over 40 arrangements there. We were overwhelmed with joy and the feeling that we and Danny were so loved and again this day changed my whole way of thinking. I know now I am a good mommy ,did all I could and would have done more including trading places with him in a heartbeat and I will miss Danny so much.

---Dan, Haley, Randy and David and I took it really hard when we first walked it, it just drops you to your knees to him. We all stood together and talked to him, kissed him and told him how much he will be missed. As for Haley she was very confused, she stood there and played with him and put his car next to him and then she drew pictures to place by his pillow and we saved those for everyone to see. She drew the 4 of us and then Danny as an angel next to our house watching over it and this from a 4 year old, the second picture she drew Danny as an angel and balloons and clouds, she said we would we give Danny balloons and they would fly high up to the clouds where he is an angel. Cyndee from Canada sent a picture of her son holding the balloons and she carried it around everywhere. She told Danny this “It’s ok little buddy your just sleeping and you will come home to play with me soon” And then she said “ I will see you at home your just sick and you will be better and come home to play.” It broke our hearts and of course we all burst into tears. We have a lot of work to do with her and explaining still but she will be ok, we got her into therapy and she starts next week so she can understand what happened and talk about it and get the right kind of help to deal with all this. But in all she did pretty good and I really think she’s going to be ok. We had friends fly in from Canada Debby and Melody and Crystal from Chicago was there and we had a really great time talking to each one they are all wonderful people and a lady from the base we are close too from eBay came in and then you all know Judy and Sonja who were there the whole time making sure everything went smoothly, we thank them for making our day so special and not having to worry about anything. There were a lot of people from the base there that were so very sweet and kind and Danny’s therapist came along with his day and night nurse he had for 2 years. All of Dan’s family came in which was wonderful to see them all together and happy and talking. My 2 older boys were Randy who is 21 and David 23 the oldest had his wife with him. Joe our very dear friend was right by Dan’s side the whole time. Debby Emond whom I dearly love was right there helping me through it all along with Melody, Judy and Sonja. I thank God each day we have such dear wonderful friends who care so much, you have all made us the parents we are today with all your help and support and prayers and emails. So you all have had a part in Danny being alive for as long as he was. He is your son, your grandson, your brother, nephew and little buddy just as much as he was our son. That is why we have shared our journal even in the last days with pictures with all of you. I could not see getting to this point and then cutting you all off, I know in my heart you all love him and have to have closure just as we do. We have a few pictures from the visitation today email if you want those and in the subject just put visitation pics. I have all your emails in my inbox on hold and will answer each and every one after I can recuperate from this all next week. Dan had a really rough day but like me this day changed us both. We talked and agreed that it helped seeing all the flowers and knowing the love behind each and every one sent along with those who sent donations to help with the funeral expenses. We felt loved and supported by all of you. We will be great parents to Haley and give her all the love she needs and always keep Danny alive here so she never forgets but remembers she has a little brother that loved her dearly. But now we must face tomorrow to me the most difficult time and nerve wrecking. We will release the balloons knowing all of you will be doing the same. We have a Wiggles story to tell but I am exhausted and must go to bed and will tell it tomorrow but they themselves were in contact and would have been here for the funeral if they had known in time, so in place they all signed a wiggles t-shirt and sent it fed-ex to us which came today. What a treasure this is and will be kept in his hope chest or if we can find a frame we will frame it in honor of Danny Jr. The shirt arrived right as we were walking out the door, God Bless the Wiggles and all who made that possible thank you Stacey for getting that going and making a little boys dream come true and I’m sure he was looking down smiling really big ;) Love you all.

---UPDATE---NOVEMBER 14TH, 2004---I'm sorry I didn't do an update sooner. We have been spending time with Haley and trying to collect our thoughts and feelings and talk together about our pain and anger here. Yesterday I went through a phase where I was so mad at everything, I was angry and upset and I was trying to understand why we had to lose our beautiful son. It took me awhile but I was ok and then tried to focus on all the beautiful memories we have in our hearts and minds. We went through pictures and talked about what he Danny was doing in each one and how we shared the most beautiful 2 ½ years with our son. Our lives were so focused on him and then keeping Haley happy at the same time that there was never any time for anything else. Right now we are sorting through cards and reading emails and trying to answer them but I have to tell you this may take me awhile we have over 700 in the inbox right now. What I will do is take it slow and answer each and every one of them and I know I need to send thank you cards out and it may take awhile too so bear with me. Right now she is asking a lot of questions about God and Jesus and the angels and wants only to read her Bible Story book so we have started at the beginning with her and reading it each day. She just now walked over here and asked me to get rid of all Danny’s Wiggles movies as that bothers her. I asked her if there is anything we could get her to make this all better right now and she said lots of new movies. Any movies mommy as long as they are all the new ones, not sure what that means and what’s new as I am so out of it here. She just popped in the Veggie tales movie which she hasn’t watched in forever. We got rid of most of them as she never watched them but she found one lonely one down there and is now watching it. I think she is getting interested in God and knowing him right now. She has a few angel bears she sleeps with very close to her face now and says Danny is her guardian angel. She understands more than we give her credit for. As for Dan he is taking this hard as he and Danny Jr were 2 peas in a pod. Every day he took him upstairs to play and they had such a good time together so a part of him has died inside. You can see the difference in both of us. My despair began when we pulled up in the funeral car and saw the vault that Danny was to be put in sitting there waiting for his cold little body to be placed in. The thought of him going in that cold ground just made me go off the deep end. My little boy that I wanted to protect forever and that I would do anything for was no longer breathing, no longer laughing and no longer going to look me in the eyes to let me know he loved me so much. Even though he couldn’t talk that look was all I needed. The love he had inside was more than enough for thousands of people. He loved life and he loved to make trouble when he could opening and closing cabinet doors, banging the entertainment center door made of glass and you sat here and said Danny Jr stop that you’re going to get hurt and he would look at us and that devious little grin oh man would melt you. Then he would smile as if to say hahahahahha. His last few days before getting really sick he even tried to get up the stairs as he knew Haley was upstairs and he pulled himself but just couldn’t get his body up there. What an amazing little man he was and is. He made our lives what it is today. We are thankful we had each and every moment with him. I have to go back to the day we pulled up at the grave site. My heart just sank. Think about that being your child and there is nothing you can do but you don’t want to let go and you know inside that this will be the last day you can touch him and feel his hair and kiss his fat little cheeks. Dan had to pull me away from him because if I had my choice that day I would have sat there all night with him so they wouldn’t close that casket top and seal him up and put him down in that cold ground dark and lonely. If that was your child as your thinking right now you would feel the same way I did. I wanted to pick him up and hold him and cradle him and sing to him. I wanted to show him mommy was there to protect him, but in spirit he knew I was there and wanted all these things for him. I tell him each day that I would have traded places with him in a second. When I had to walk away was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, my knees were shaking I was so weak and I cried so hard. I never cried that hard ever but that day my part of me was left behind to be put in the ground and part of me will be there too. I go on knowing that we have Haley and we must focus on her and helping her have the best life possible. I have two older boys that need me as well and the oldest to have his son born in late Jan. So we now look forward to be grandparents and raising our beautiful little girl. She is the super glue that will hold us all together. Unbreakable bonds we have developed. Unbendable love and unbeatable odds to have a healthy happy life with the help of all of you. Unending friendships to last a lifetime. Danny gave us so much more. He gave us a family here that we can depend on. I still cry all the time here and won’t deny it. I cannot get over the emptiness in my heart and in the house but most of all the emptiness in my arms. My arms ache for my son to hold him to kiss him to love him. Now I must depend on my faith and know he is in good hands and at peace. Haley wanted to make sure we were still having Christmas for her this year and we told her yes baby we will and we will thank God at Christmas for sending his son to us to die for all mankind to erase our sins so we can be forgiven and all go to heaven and boy that made her smile but got her thinking and so we now have a little girl asking about God and Jesus. So our journey begins with a beautiful daughter so focused on God and the love she has for the Big Guy in the sky who is now holding her little brother in his arms. We thank God each day we were blessed with Danny and how many people out there can say they were given a son who made such an impact all over the world and loved by so many and touched so many lives and we held an angel a real angel for 2 ½ years right here in this house in our arms. Jesus was here for a short time and look at the impact on the lives he changed then died and went to heaven to be his father and Danny too was here not for the same purpose as Jesus but he had a purpose, he saved a little boys life whom his mommy was going to abort but because of reading about Danny she changed her mind and to this day still sends pictures of him to us. His purpose is he saved one life and touched so many others. I still look at the flowers in the sun room and think about how many friends we have out there. How many people loved Danny so much? He was here alright for a short time but loved so much in that short period. If there is one thing as I said so many time before when I began his journal that we wanted to happen is this again: Look at your child or children and when they goof up and make you angry and you want to lash out stop right there think about Danny think about how this could be you and you would only have a short time with your child, pick that child up kiss them love them and just explain to them what made you angry and tell them you love them but just want them to behave and hold them close and make them know you love them. Just don’t say it show it. Spend that time with them. Take them out for ice cream, tuck them in and say their prayers with them, read them a book as Danny loved to be read to. Kids love books all of them do and just read them a short one if you don’t have time but read to them. Have dinner together at least once a week if you’re a busy family but that time together is important. Look at them and hug them and tell them I love you I really do and you mean the world to me and I will always love you. It is amazing how they settle down after just talking. Then if they are still tearing down the blinds and throwing food all over the house and hitting their siblings well then after a long day take a calgon bath ;) But remember they are your kids they are part of you and if one day God forbid they were gone you would miss all the times believe me you would miss everything they are doing right now. Look at them though really watch them and see how they tick its amazing the things they say and do when you really take time to watch them. Not just look take time out tonight I ask each and every one of for me and for Danny and read a book and watch their faces and look in their eyes and see the real child you have created, and ALWAYS remember they are your children but most importantly they are God’s children given to you to make the best life possible for them. No matter what the hardships. We will be paying bills off here from the past 2 ½ years until we die but you know what every penny paid is well worth the time we had with Danny Jr and I would change one second of our life. I wouldn’t trade one minute and do anything different, we had great times and we had a love that was like no other and today we are content knowing we did what we could, we made him happy and in the end we made him comfortable so he pass on to the next world and be with God in heaven. He is at peace, he is still loved and he still had a purpose and to this day he will live on in all of us and live on in those who really loved him. I know he will be a guardian angel for a lot of people out there. I will be listing again soon as many have asked and I will try later this week, I know we have to get started again to pay everything but right now my heart and soul is just not with it. I know I have a lot of emails to answer and I will get to them slowly. My mind at times just races and goes into another world; I can sit here and be looking at something but see nothing. I space out a lot and when people talk to me I hear them but I don’t hard to explain but my mind is elsewhere, it’s like your trying to remember every little detail about Danny and so afraid you will forget even though I won’t your mind has you searching for every detail. For every face that was made for every noise for every laugh. So you space out and in go into your own little world. I close for now thanking you all for making this time so special for being there with us for us and holding us in your arms. Thank you for loving us all and for all the cards, letters and donations to help with funeral expenses. And the gorgeous flowers which etched in my mind a beautiful yet sad day. Memories of Danny will be here with us all let’s never let that die out. I close with this. “But God hath promised strength for the day, Rest for the labor, Light for the way, Grace for the trials, Help from above, Unfailing sympathy, undying love.”

---UPDATE--NOVEMBER 15TH 2004---To our dearest friends— Today has been as tough as they get. One week ago today, our world became an emotional holocaust that was unimaginable. It has been sheer hell for sure, but with time we will get back on track, a day at a time. Barb usually takes Haley to school in the morning, and I walk around here in a haze, making lists of things to do, losing the lists, and making new ones. Every room in this house has a memory and just picking up just brings the strongest man to his knees. We have yet to clean, vacuum, dust, or things we used to do in a few hours. We spend much of the day holding eachother in bed, on the couch, or what we call “wanderwalking.” That would be walking around the house meaning to accomplish a chore, but taking an hour to do it. We talk with eachother…all day most of the time…remembering this and that…and making eachother laugh. Holding eachother…and crying together. A smoking crisp is all that remains of ½ of our hearts. I found myself laying on the floor today, looking up at the entertainment center glass, where Danny’s wet little fingers used to open and close the glass doors 100’s of times a day. It is loaded with fingerprints, and faintly you can see his palm print. I touch the glass, on the outside…to be close to him for a moment, but not to mar his fingerprints. I don’t want it washed off…not just yet…it’s my small lifeline to him. Barb did laundry this morning and found his sheets to his bed. We just held eachother in the laundry room and cried. So many more rooms have the same emotional tie…they will have to be reckoned with one by one. Barb and I gathered the strength today to gather to remainder of his flowers that were in the sunroom and take them to his grave. I can vouch that I have never felt more sick, disgusted, mad and sad as when I walked to his graveside with the remainder of his flowers. It wasn’t 2 weeks ago he was sitting at the backdoor watching squirrels running up the trees and Barb was snapping his picture…some of his last. Some fool has once said that time heals all wounds…well I beg to differ. My family is my Achilles heel…and undoubtedly my lifeblood. Barb has asked me to apologize for not writing back as quickly as possible. She now has 400 emails in the bereavement box, and 270 in the regular inbox. We will get back to each and every one of you...we promise…but sitting at the computer is hard to do for long periods of time. As we respond, we have a relationship with each one of you…and writing what is in our hearts often times produces deep pain and tears. We have been extremely fortunate despite all of this. Getting to know so many of you personally…having you share in our lives…and being there through thick and thin has been our solace. We love all of you individually, and can never begin to thank you for all you have done for our family. Your love will help us heal…as a father I saw your outpouring of love at the wake and funeral. You have helped soften me; as my son did…and allow me the gift of finding the good in everyone. God bless all of you! Dan Sr------

---UPDATE--NOVEMBER 19TH 2004---I find myseld often wondering around the house and walking in circles many times before I get anything done. We had a carpet company out of St Louis that read about Danny come out and clean all our carpets for free as a gift to us, it was so nice of them. We are very grateful and thank them so so much. But as they got done I fell apart it was like they had washed everything that was left of Danny away fom me. His stained milk spills on the carpet, his medication spills by me of course and just his smell was still down here. You could sit here and close your eyes and still smell his little skin and hair in the air. Now it's nothing but shampoo and clean carpets. I really lost it yesterday it was devasting to me. I can't describe it but it was almost like the day of the funeral when I knew I couldn't touch him anymore and now I can't even smell his little smells anymore. Haley is doing ok she is kind of lost at times and is writing down everything she feels in little books she has been sent by ebay friends, she calls them all her diaries and today she was making a list so we could get a headstone and what she wanted on it, this was so cute. We got approval by the Wiggles to have their images etched in Danny's headstone that came today so now we just have to go look at them and see how much they are and go from there but the plans are to have their images etched on it and his picture put in an oval frame on front with angles all around. Dan is hanging in there he and Haley both are sick right now. He has run himself down so badly and now is so sick so he's resting today. Haley had to stay home as she has a sore throat. We listed dome auctions today of things that were Danny's as we had many request for the things we were going to get rid of. We have kept a bedding set his pillows and special blankets, his wiggles blanket was buried with him along with his froggie. But we can't keep everything we have no room and the hope chest is full so we have to find another one soon. But please no emails bad about putting his stuff on this was requested by a lot of ebay friends that wanted a chance to have something of his. And we thought it was a great idea. I can't get over the daily empitness and the huge loss and hole in my heart. The pain won't go away and I cry on the spot or at a drop in the hat. Everything here is Danny Jr just everything.

---UPDATE--NOVEMBER 20TH 2004---SHORT NOTE, We already being swamped with rude nasty emails about selling Danny's things online, please don't look at them if this bothers you and don't email us about it as this is something we are willing to do and are happy to do it for all the ebay members that asked. We have over 70 emails with request for this to be done. I needed something to take my mind off things and Haley helped me sort Danny's toys today and she wanted to others to have them as well. We laughed as sorted we talked about Danny and how he played with certain things and I let her pick out all the ones she wanted to keep and the ones we knew we could not get rid of so have 2 bins full of his toys and still have a bucket we can let go of so yes we are fine with this and we made sure Haley was too. It is part of our healing and still we feel we are helping others to have something of his and yet the money to go to help with his bills at the same time. So all those out there that feel you need to tell me how to run my house and how to feel and how not to give his things away please just don't email me I will only delete them. I know how I feel and I know what I can handle and I know what I can give up and what I can keep. This email is not intended for our wonderful friends that just suggested that we keep things to remember him by we love you for all the suggestions and please know we have so many things we have kept we filled the hope chest and need to buy anothr one so yes we have a lot of things we will never get rid of ;) This email is for the jerks that call us nasty names and tell us they are glad Danny is dead so at least he's in heaven where people love him. And another email telling us we are cold hearted cruel people for selling his things so quickly, well if we are ok with this then back off. I am really angry at all the stupid people that want to tell us how sick we are and how our son is better off where he is at. It never ends with you crazy wacko jobs out there does it. Please get some help and find someone else to make miserable as we can see you already are.

---Now to all our family and friends, thank you for always being her for us and helping us through all the good times and the bad times, sorry if I sounded out of line but my inbox is full and now even fuller with jerks that have to give their opinion. I'm going to list Danny's toys today and videos we did keep his favorite wiggles tapes though. But after we list these I am going to work on answering emails again tonight. Haley actually really had fun today going through all Danny's things and talking about each and every toy, I think it was almost like theropy for her, what a difference in her today I think she needed this. She is happy and running around and playing not sure what the sorting of toys did for her but it sure did perk her up and she even wanted to hold some of them for the pictures :) LOVE YOU ALL

---UPDATE--November 24, 2004—Haley is doing ok, she cried hard for the first time since Danny’s death on Monday so we both cried with her. She said she misses him so much and with tears filling her eyes looked at us with that desperate look for an answer and asked us if Danny was coming back soon. We said no baby he is not coming back he is in heaven and has his wings and an angel now. She is so confused but so smart too. Tammy Demars sent us a huge picture she made with Danny’s image looking out the back door and she fell in love with it and asked if we could put it up in her room, she sat there and kissed the picture. The pictures of Danny being sent I have to tell you are a treasure in itself we are going to put them all up on his bedroom wall. We have a lady from Louisiana Anne Schexnaydre that is making us a family memory quilt and we can’t wait to get it. The quilt as of this date april 4th still has not been sent but it was a nice thought. Haley and I got matching bracelets form a lady and she got several movies and toys she has been playing with. Thank you all for making her day and keeping her busy. We know everyone keeps asking what more they can do, if anyone wants to send an angel for our tree this year in remembrance of Danny Jr we are welcoming those right now. Our tree is going to be to remember him and we are doing it up in angels. We have a couple sent already and that gave us the idea to do this for him this year since he can’t be with us. Please note we have received all your packages and I set them aside right now in one room so I can know what came from everyone and then I will send thank you notes and give Haley all her stuff so I know who sent what. Haley has been playing with her new care bear and her my little pony toys today. She is watching a new care bears movie she received and a few veggie tales movies she got so she is content today. Thank you all for still making this happen and making her comfortable and loved. I sat here today and looked out the back door and watched it snow and all I could think of was Danny and how much he loved to look outside and get excited. He would have loved this and as the tears began rolling down my face pictures flashed in my head of the ones I took with him looking out the back door and how cute he looked. His face would light up and he’d look up at me as if to say mommy isn’t it beautiful outside and I would bend down and kiss him and lift his arm up and tickle him and make him laugh so hard and kiss him some more. I sure do miss that. I miss holding him and watching the wiggles with him. I miss the way Haley would jump out at him and he would laugh and fall over. So many things are so different here it changes your life forever. The emptiness is so hard to explain it’s like a hole in your heart that never gets filled. I want to just feel his skin and touch him and love him but I can’t anymore, it’s so depressing. My little baby boy is gone forever and I can’t see him smile anymore. You’re all so lucky you see to have children right there that you can hold and touch and yell at and tell them hey get off the couch and quit yelling and hey clean up that mess, isn’t life wonderful with kids, think about for a minute if they were gone or any one of them were done forever and you didn’t have them to love anymore what would you do? You’d be lost like we are. Thank God we have Haley to keep us going and the 2 older boys, we are grateful for them and Haley we will do our best to make her the happiest little girl ever and love her so much. She is so precious and has a heart of gold I wish you could all meet her; she is so spunky and full of life. Haley is a very smart girl for her age. Happy Thanksgiving to all our friends and ebay family.

---UPDATE--November 26, 2004—Today has been tough…horrifically if that is a word. I have spent the day holding Barb, running a cold washcloth over her face, and putting her to bed early. Haley stayed up with me until 9:30 pm, and then I put her to bed. She got up 3 times crying and I asked her why she was crying. She said “my brother is gone and he can’t laugh at me anymore.” I sat back and took pause when she said this… and assured her that Danny is laughing at her antics up in heaven. She is so lost….lonely….sad….and we as mom and dad can only fill part of the void. She asked Barb today is we are going to have another baby…and was told we are not….and followed it up by asking for a puppy…and was told that mom was allergic to all kinds of pet hair…otherwise she would have had a dog a long time ago. So tonight she sat on my lap…daddy’s lap…and we had our talk. She asked if we would ever move…and I assured her we wouldn’t. She wanted to know if daddy would protect her from scary monsters…that was an easy one for daddy…god yes! She then asked me if we can all die soon and see baby Danny. Folks….as a hardened military man of 14 years…I let tears stream down my eyes as I answered.. . Eventually we will all see him…when Jesus calls us. I put her to bed then…with all 6 of her security blankets…came downstairs…sat it the spot that he died in…and just cried…hell, just wailed…and held myself...and prayed…to god…to Jesus…to anyone that would listen to me in the heavens. I am broken...in the heart and the soul and miss my baby more than simple English words can express. I am not the warrior…. I was but the daddy… he is the warrior…my namesake…my everything. I still sign my name senior…because I’ll be damned but whether I am only the name…he’s beyond the name…he’s the fiber in my heart that is now missing…but strangely still there…he’s what I wanted him to be in a man…much bigger than daddy…

---UPDATE-November 29th- We have had a lot to do the past week, my son had been sick and we went down there to stay with them for a few days and we're back now but please hold all emails right now until I can get caught up. We trying to list too so we can get enough saved for Danny's headstone right now. We have tons of bills to pay so we had to start listing again which put me behind on emails, then Dan was very sick and now my son so we have been on the go here. Haley is doing great and trying to cope with things the best she can, she really misses her brother. Thank you all for being here for our family. If you have a general email with thoughts you'd like to send please post them on the caring bridge site as we look at that every evening and read what people have written there, right now our regular home email the box is full and we have over 500 still to answer. So if you sent an email and you haven't heard from us yet we are getting to them all :) Love you all.

---UPDATE-November 30th----If you would like information on where we stand with the headstone please email Debby Emond her user name is ilovepoohbear2002 she has all the information Please email Debby, thank you.

---UPDATE- December 7th-Sorry it took us so long to update we had our password stolen on ebay and I couldn't access the me page or my account until we got it changed and everything straight, some people can be so cruel especially at a time when we need to be listing. Haley has had a rough week so we have been spending a lot of time with her. She is very confused as to why Danny is not coming home. She has cried a lot and been really down here. She really is having a tuff time right now. Every day she tells us how she misses Danny her little brother and opens the back door and blows kisses to him up to heaven. Dan is doing ok as well as myself. I go into the hospital tomorrow for a bunch of a test as I have been having numbness in my left arm a lot along with some other things due to stress. I will let you know how everything goes. Dan is back at work but he just can't seem to get with it, he is really down as well as myself this is something that just won't go away over night. The emptiness of the house along with our routine really has been a downer here. We got a huge surprise in the mail when a wonderful ebay family sent us certificate for a bed and breakfast here for an evening and the room has a fireplace so we are very excited about this and can't wait to make plans to go and take Haley with us for an evening out. Thank you Jennifer Kang and family. Also all the books sent to us to help us get through all this have been very helpful thank you all we appreciate that too. I have a few new cute pictures of Haley in her new Incredibles outfit I will post with the new auctions, she is a big fan after seeing the movie. She wears the outfit every day and runs around here like a super hero so that boosted her spirits a lot, we got her 3 things for Christmas and this was one of them but we caved in after seeing her so depressed and gave it to her early and it brought her back to life the past 2 days. We have been working with the monument company to get things started on Danny's headstone. Need information contact Debby Emond her user name is ilovepoohbear2002. A special thanks to a special lady who has helped us through all this and didn't want her name mentioned but know we have a special place in our hearts for you ;). We couldn't have made it without you ;) And that goes for all our ebay friends you have all been there for us helping us whether it was bidding on auctions,helping other ways or wonderful uplifting emails, we thank you all for getting us through the hardest times of our life here. We made it because of all of you, when our immediate families were never there for us we had all of you to depend on and care for us and we love you all.

---UPDATE- December 9th-2004-- We are going to see Dan's sister in Kansas City who is pregnant right now. After years of trying they have been blessed. Haley, we think needs this get away right now as well as ourselves. Haley is doing fine right now and excited about going on a trip. I went to the doctor and they said I have severe dry skin maybe caused by stress and they put me on medication along with some creams and some allergy medications. So I will be ok the medication just makes me very tired all the time. Dan is also doing ok right now a little down but we had a hard time as yesterday was 1 month since we lost our beautiful angel. We got a couple ornaments for the tree today and placed them on there and it looks great, I will also take pictures of it and post them with new auctions. Oh funny part at the doctor he suggested I put crisco oil all over me for the dry skin, now I don't know about you but to sit around with that stuff on me and smell it and let alone get it all over the house was just not going to happen so I went with the lotion he gave me instead :) Hugs to all we love you please know that each one of you are very special to us, love to all our family.

---UPDATE- December 15th, 2004---We got home last night and had a great trip. Dan's sister was a little sick and it wound up her and her husband had the flu. While we were there I fell down some stairs and pulled my lower back out of place so the trip for me was more a nightmare. We wanted to go walk around and show Haley all the Christmas lights down at The Plaza but instead we just drove through there so should could at least see them and she loved it. She was amazed at how decorated everything was. She wanted to get out and ride the carriage ride but there was no way we could. After we found out about the flu bug his sister had a relative out us up for 2 nights in a nearby hotel where I fell down the stairs and my back got worse as I slept the first night with Haley on one bed that sloped towards the inner floor so I fought the whole night to stay up on it I thought it was just me and all in my head but eh next night we switched with daddy and he slept on it. He went to get in bed and was almost asleep and I was wide awake as I was hurting from the back pain but this you will have to hear ;) Dan gets in bed falls asleep for a few and decides he has to use the bathroom so he gets up turns the light on and proceeds to get back in bed. He goes to get in flops down in the center and the whole bed rose up on the wall side throwing him to the floor and hard, I never laughed so hard in my entire life, I laughed for so long and so hard I started to cry and throughout the night I laughed and laughed. The look on his face was priceless, like what the you know what just happened. He was in shock. I just couldn't stop laughing. So that made the trip well worth it. Needless to say it wasn't just me then and the hotel gave his relative half off for the stay, as the room was cold, the toilet was cracked, heaters didn’t work. It was bad but we had fun visiting the relatives there. Haley stayed one night with grandma which her cat attacked Haley the first day and we felt bad leaving her there as she was terrified after that. Then a friend of Dan's he grew up with died at the age of 25 he and Dan were very close so we went to see his friends family and they were very sweet and they were so sad to hear about Danny Jr. At this house their dog attacked Haley so needless to say I don’t think Haley will ever want a dog or a cat. We did get a lot of Angel ornaments for the tree and we thank you all so much, when I list the new auction I will put some pictures of the tree in there so you can see them all. We are asking those who loved Danny Jr. that if you have the song Angels Among Us by Alabama please play this on Christmas day at least one time. We will be doing that here in memory of Danny Jr that is the song I sang to him almost every day. I knew he was an angel and I knew I would hold an angel for a short period of time but what a beautiful lasting memory he has made for us here. Some of the ornaments we received we had to sit there and just cry because of the meaning behind them and the saying on them. The one we got today has his birth and death dates and says he will be having Christmas this year with Jesus. I think I cried so hard. Thank you all for sending such beautiful ornaments. We have one that is amazing its Danny’s Jr’s picture inside a globe with 2004 on it and you can see through his picture it’s amazing. Haley is doing great she is so excited about the holidays and can't wait to open her gifts. She gets more excited as the days go on and she sees them under the tree and wants to rip them open. Every day she asks how much longer mommy. She's a broken record here but we love it, she gets us in the Christmas spirit as we really have none right now. But Haley knows how to make us laugh when we are down. We are blessed to have her and David and Randy. Love you all.

---UPDATE- December 26th, 2004--We hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. We really appreciate all the angels sent for the tree to honor Danny Jr. They look wonderful and radiant and they will all be put on each year. Haley had a blast with all her gifts. You all really made her Christmas special this year with the things you sent her. She was so spoiled and we felt so good seeing her open all the gifts and getting so excited about each and every one of them. We spent all day painting care bears, making food in her new oven and playing with her Spiderman, batman toys. She did dress up for us last night with the make-up and outfits she got and we kicked around the hovering soccer ball all evening, we all had a lot of fun and stayed up way past midnight until Haley finally wanted to go to bed. She put all her new stuffed toys and dolls on her bed and she was out like a light. Dan and I couldn’t sleep and we cried really hard together as the day just didn’t seem right to us and kind of depressing without Danny Jr here to share it with. I know he’s having Christmas this year sitting on Jesus lap but that didn’t help not to have him on our lap and watching his face light up and seeing him smile. They emptiness was something almost unbearable at the time. I lost it several times while the kids were opening gifts. I felt the empty spot in my heart just swell and the sick feeling I got almost made me vomit. I really was not looking forward to this and Christmas wasn’t the same for sure. I’m not sure how to get past the empty feelings and the thoughts each day of him and the night after night feelings of an empty cold room he once shared with his wiggles friends. His Thomas things only a reminder of the little boy that loved to be hugged and kissed and hung on for dear life just to make us laugh and see us smile back at him. I look around his empty bedroom and the feeling are overwhelming not seeing him there, downstairs is all a reminder of him, his clothes still in the closet which I don’t dare touch as it’s the only thing left I see that was the same and the empty floor which he once played on and scooted across and the glass doors he used to open and close all the time. How does a parent ever get over the loss of their baby I have no idea as the pain inside is deep and cuts like a knife each day. The sick feeling I get every day knowing I will never hold him again and see him smile or laugh is just too much so Christmas this year for me and Dan was not the same for sure but we did the best we could to make sure Haley had the best Christmas possible and she did believe me she did. She was one happy little girl. I can’t explain the feelings I have inside only to let you imagine that you see your own child playing in the backyard one day and a few days later they are gone forever and all your hopes and dreams for that child gone not ever to get them back not ever to see them again, think of that and then you can know the feelings we have. Danny was such a huge part of our life and with him not here it has changed everything. We once used to think about how Danny suffered so much just to breathe and that once he passed on he would be out of pain and things here would be somewhat a normal life without all the tubes and machines but let me tell you those of you who have children like Danny and you sit there thinking oh God please don’t let them suffer any longer….well once they are gone it’s even worse the pain is much deeper and sickening not having them around. So cherish each day with them and make their lives the best you can now and hold onto every good thought and prayer and keep them around as long as you can because once that day comes this pain no longer goes away. The only comfort we find in all this is that Danny no longer has to struggle each day for air and no longer feel the pain he was in the last few days of his life as it was great. He no longer has the sickness and suffering but the day he died a part of us did too and the pain for us began that day, a pain you can’t explain except to a parent that has lost a child. A pain different than any other its one that runs so deep you can’t run from it, you can’t take meds to make it go away, you can’t even begin to erase it. That pain lives with you and you learn to deal with it, some days you do ok and others you fall apart. We have had one family member since Danny’s death email me a nasty email and being so ignorant of what we are going through and so selfish and of course she has no kids and never wants any so she will never understand what we go through here but it goes to show you people are so selfish and ignorant even at times when you lose a child. I love the saying one ebay friend a very wise woman said to me once.. we can pick our friends, but not our relatives..How true and thank goodness we can ;) Coming from a family member that never once saw Danny when he was alive, then came to the funeral never once went up to the casket or cried and has the nerve to get my family all upset with back and forth rude emails what the heck is wrong with people, I'm sure everyone in this world has a family member like this so I'm not the only one to deal with this but what makes people so rude and cold hearted? I guess we will never know why there are cold hearted selfish people out there, life is way too short to stir up trouble and keep it going in life we have learned from Danny you take life one day at a time and deal with whatever that day brings you and then the next day will have it's own problems. Danny really made us see that life is well worth living and to live it the best you can and enjoy each moment. But in all we take each day at a time and deal with things and I think over time the pain of losing our son will get easier and we will be able to deal with all this but right now it hasn’t even been 2 months yet since he died. But you know what Danny will always live through me and I will keep his memory alive whether it is through auctions or just talking and he will always be remembered through all of you and we thank you for that. I will update more shortly as Haley just woke up and wants to bake some more and play with her light bright toy.

---UPDATE--Jan. 8th, 2005--I'm sorry we haven't updated lately we have been spending a lot of time with Haley as she has had the flu. We have had therapy appointments to help us deal with the loss of our son which have helped a great deal. So we have been on the go too.

--- Dan and I talked about me getting an outside job once Haley goes to Kindergarden this year as ebay is not doing well for us here. The auctions have been very slow and it's not enough to keep up with all the medical bills we owe still for Danny Jr. So we hope it picks up soon so I can stick with it but if we can't I will still update the me page often.

--- Haley is doing great now and we got our first good snow yesterday so daddy is going to take her out to play in it for a bit today. She cooked all night in her new oven and had a blast. She has been playing with all her new toys and keeping busy here. The therapist is very proud of her and said she is a rare child as to how well she is adjusting with Danny Jr being gone. She said we did a great job preparing her ahead of time and letting her be involved in Danny's care which most parents don't do so she said Haley is one of her star children. She explained how Danny didn't die because of the morphine we gave him which was my big guilt trip here and that helped me more than I can say. She said once you give a child that is going to die the morphine it let's their body relax from fighting all all the pain and suffering for so long and we know Danny fought hard and always came right out of everything. But I didn't know he was in so much pain his body got used to it and his body fought the pain each day because he had such a strong will to live and fight to smile another day but in the end he was suffering so bad he couldn't smile anymore that's where they said he crossed the line between pain and suffering was that Thursday right before we called Hospice out here and we could not comfort hi at all and were up all night with him. So when the morphine took hold he actually relaxed enough to help him into that last stage with no pain and suffering. I felt so much better when she explained that to me as I would lay awake at night and cry my eyes out and the guilt of giving him that was tearing me up inside. I felt like I ended his life early and that I took it and that I played the part of God and said ok this is enough and ended his life and she made me see that it was not true that Danny would have died a long time ago especially if he was left in a hospital or with no love. So he lived and fought so hard to make us smile but when it came time and he suffered so much he needed to let go and that day I knew he couldnt hang on because Dan and I both tried to comfort him but his pain was too much and his eyes told me he couldn't hang on and he needed to let go, I just knew it and the decision was the hardest a parent could ever make without the guilt afterwards. But we are both doing so much better now. We are adjusting but just can't forget either. The pain is way too deep and think that today it has been 2 months now that he has been gone. It seems just yesterday he was at the window back here laughing at everything and making us smile. The therapist was so right when she said we get so frustrated because you want to tell people how you feel but you can't in the right words because unless a person has lost a child they will never know the deep pain and can only imagine it. The pain is something you can't explain, it's an empty feeling inside you knowing that you go on in life without your son to be there to see everything you do and share in all the good times. We go out and we feel so bad because he is not with us. It's a lonely empty hole left in your heart that can't be mended only dealt with in time. We miss him so much here and have been really down and not able to do much. We slept a lot and just had no energy for anything. But I've started liting again and that has helped to keep me busy so this weekend I will list what I have here and hope to do well and get all packages out Monday of auctions that ended and were paid for, thank you for having patience with me in that area. Debby Emond came down for a visit over the New Year Holidays from Canada and we had a fantastic Time , she helped me a great deal at a time when I really needed her and I thank her for that from the bottom of my heart. I love you Debby ;).

---UPDATE JAN 10th, 2005----Haley is getting over her flu and feeling a little better, she still has the ear ache though which kept us both up all night. Dan is back to work and I'm cleaning the house today and listing to keep busy. I finally cleaned out Danny Jr's closet and put things away, I think it was the hardest day of my life since his death doing that. I listed what we had left to put on ebay of his including a few toys and clothes. So hopefully some of you will have a little piece of our little angel as well. I still have stuff in the closet until I can get a big hope chest to put it all in. But we made it Haley's toy closet now and she was excited about that and said Danny would be happy she has her toys in there. We are expecting and ebay friend to fly in this Saturday Tammy DeMars for a 5 day visit so we are looking forward to her visit and very excited. We miss Debby Emond who just left last week and seems like forever since she has been here we love you Deb. WE want to thank Melody, Ron, Carter, Reis and Max for the beautiful flowers they sent Saturday in memory of Danny being gone 2 months, I cried a lot when they came as I was so depressed that day and they really brought a smile to our faces thank you so much. TAHNK YOU ALL AGAIN for always being here for us and being our huge family we feel very blessed to have you all as friends and family.

---UPDATE--Jan 17,2004--We wanted to update a quick one as far as all the nasty emails coming in right now. The pictures of Danny on ebay and his items for sale are by REQUEST from regular customers. the pictures were given to us to help with medical expenses from an ebay friend who asked us to put them up to help with his bills. We understand that others want to have something of Danny's too and when they asked us to do this we had no problem with it and if you do, then don't look and don't email us your stupid nasty comments about it. A lot of people loved Danny just as much as we did and there are the people that these auctions are for, the pictures were not our idea but we put them on by request from the lady that send all of them for this purpose. We have a full closet here full of his clothes bedding toys and others things we have kept, we have so much we have to buy another hope chest so don't tell us we are sick for selling all his things because we certainly have not sold ALL his things. If you are an un-educated jerk that wants to just sound off in an email find someone else to make unhappy as we know WHO you are. Please get a life.

---To all our ebay family-- we love you all and thank you for being there for us, we have Tammy DeMars here from MA and she will be here until Thursday so I am doing catch up on the auctions this evening, Haley is doing great and so is Dan we are relaxing and having a great time with our ebay friend and family member Tammy ;) HUGS TO ALL

---Jan 24th, 2005--We had a great time with Tammy here this week and was sad to see the week had gone by so fast. We went and did a lot of shopping for ebay items and watched lots of movies and then went out to the gravesite. It was a great week for us here. Haley is doing great and playing with all her toys and her video games, she keeps busy most of the day. She released a balloon to Danny on Jan 8th and blew him lots of kisses.

---UPDATE JAN 31ST, 2005---IT’S A BOY—David Anthony Overturf, our first grandbaby we are thrilled. We have been going back and forth over 3 hours each way so we are exhausted here. The baby was born Jan 30th, 2005 and weighed 7 pounds 5 ounces, 20 inches long. The delivery was rough we got there at 6am and she went until 4pm and the baby was distress and so was the mom, she went into shock and had many seizures along with infection so they had her on 7 different medications though several IV’S when the baby became very distressed and wouldn’t come down they took her in for an emergency c-section. She was in there a long time with bleeding and so forth. As the opened her up baby David turned flipped and went into breach position so they had to forceps to get him out. He was rushed to intensive care where he got under the oxygen tent, had a hearing test, and they had to cover his eyes. He had cuts on his head but they will heal. He is very sick and the mom is in bad shape. We are hoping she pulls though soon and gets better. The baby is getting baby each day and stronger. It was a big scare for us all and a lot of tears rolled as it brought back so many memories, I sat in the waiting room sobbing and praying that God would not take my grandson and that he would be ok. I was terrified at the thought of losing him too. My eyes were so soaked and red I couldn’t even see straight. My thoughts were a million miles away on surgeries Danny had been through and what we felt and how I was feeing at that very moment. I still haven’t got to hold him yet but we hope soon. We cried so hard when Haley said mommy look at baby Danny isn’t he precious. Then she caught herself and she cried and said mommy I miss Danny and we knew she had enough so I quit talking to her about the baby and we changed the subject and I took her up to McDonald’s to play. Love you all!

---UPDATE FEB 6TH, 2005--Haley is doing great a little bored at times being by herself. But in all she is fine. We went down yesterday to see the baby and he is just adorable. We had such a great time with the kids and Haley just adored baby David. We are happy he is here and mom and baby are doing just fine now. Dee is on some medictaions to help her out and she is doing great. What a trooper she really went through a lot. David is so precious and we all agreed he looks just like his mommy but has his daddy's big feet.

---UPDATE FEB 11TH, 2005-- We are all doing ok here, Haley loves being in school and keeps her busy all day playing with the other kids. Please note we will be gone until Sunday night maybe into Monday. We are leaving for Peoria Illinois in the morning for a funeral. A friend of Dan's was killed there so we will be away attending his funeral. All auctions that ended this week will be shipped on Tuesday the 22nd sorry for the delay and we hope you understand this terrible situation that was very unexpected.

---UPDATE--MARCH 1OTH 2005 Haley is in school and loving it and was named artist of the quarter and had her pictures framed and hung up at the school so she is very excited about this. The paper on base took pictures of her as well. We will be putting up a few of her drawings on the ebay auction site under user name newmommy37 to help with bills, this was suggested by several regular customers and she just got them done here. I will be listing a lot of things all weekend and put Haley's drawings up for auctions later today. Baby David is doing good and getting bigger by the day. Dan's sister found out she is pregnant after trying many years and is due on Haley's birthday July 21st, they are having a boy. Dan and I will be celebrating our 7th anniversay March 12th so we are looking forward to this weekend. We love you all!!

---UPDATE--APRIL 5TH 2005-- Sunday was a really rough day around here, Dan and Haley went to the grave and took Danny many balloons and flowers and Haley had enough from her art work that wonderful eBay friends bid on that she got Danny a dog and a cat to set beside his grave and watch over him and protect him. She was excited to buy these things herself it really made her feel good, she wants to go back out there today to make sure they are still there. The local radio station played Danny's song at noon Angel's among us and I sat here and cried so hard as I wanted to be out there at the gravesite at that time. I didn't get to go Sunday as I have had many health problems and in and out of the hospital recovering and that day I couldn't get around very well. I got a chance yesterday and went to the grave and sat there and just cried. To know your baby is under all that dirt and you can't see him or touch him is the worst feeling a mom could ever have. The emptiness never goes away, the pain DOES NOT get easier with time. You learn to deal with it that's it because you have to, we have no choice. Many comments have been made about hey your son has been gone for over 4 months now get on with your life, oh man those people you want to just slap right in the head and wake them up. You know inside it's from people that are cold hearted or have no kids but at the same time you want to shake them and make them feel what you are feeling inside. I never what people felt losing a child only to lend support and try to imagine the pain but man when Danny died it was a whole different story, it was real and the pain was real. I wouldn't wish this on anyone not even the mean people that send us nasty emails. We have dealt with a lot here, nasty emails, and crazy people emailing us with letters of how they are glad Danny is dead and relatives who couldn't care a less about us when Danny was alive or even after he's dead. But we have become stronger in so many ways and bitter in so many other ways. We can live without relatives who don't care as we know we have eBay friends who have taken that empty space and made our lives whole again. I can't describe the feeling of completeness knowing that we have made so many friends and stayed very close with all of you even after Danny’s death. We do have family it may not be immediate family but we have all of you. I will continue to put Danny's pictures on the auctions for awhile as requested, Dan is making a site off the net to post the video that was made at Danny's funeral so everyone can see it and I will update when the site is done. As for Haley she is doing great, school has kept her mind off things and she has made so many friends. She wants to make drawings for the auction to help out here but we told her she has done enough and what she did for Danny was the nicest thing a big sister could ever do. I wish you all could meet Haley she is so smart and for a 4 year old we are shocked at the things she knows, you would absolutely love her. She has that outgoing caring personality and has the biggest heart, she reminds me of a lot of friends on here that email us all the time ;) Dan is doing ok still having a rough time dealing with all this but we take it one day at a time.

---UPDATE MAY 12TH 2005--I wanted to let everyone know I am doing better and recovering very well from surgery. Haley is doing great keeping herself busy, we have been to the park several times and Debby and her son Jesse will be here from Canada May 19th-24th so Haley is excited about having him here to play, we are planning a zoo trip for them, maybe ride some Go-Karts, and a Museum trip so it should be a lot of fun for all of us. Dan has been in the dumps again as another friend of his at work died Sunday he was only 33 years old, those military that keep up with the page we do have the memorial site with movie for Gilbert Tabor our heart goes out to his family, we will be there Friday for the funeral. As for Danny's memorial movie Dan just got it uplaoded to a site and finished so anyone wanting to see the movie please email and we will send the link. Keep bidding on the auctions we really appreciate all the help too ;) Thank you all.

---June 30th 2005--Well it has been an interesting few months here. Haley's birthday is coming up July 21st so we are planning a Hawaiian party for her, this will be her first one without her brother. We are having Dan's party along with Haley's as theirs is just 2 weeks apart. We have the new link to the movie

---memorial for Danny Jr below

---http://dano8690.tripod.com/Danny.html

---Thank you all for being here for us all the time we appreciate it so much, hugs to you all, Barb Dan and Haley

---UPDATE November 13, 2005--

---UPDATE November 13, 2005--It has been a rough few weeks for us here as we re-lived each day up to what happened this year at this time, we have looked at pictures every day and watched the memorial video quite a few times. Our hearts feel so empty and the days go by really fast. It’s hard to explain the feelings you have inside when your child has passed away before you do as a parent. A part of you dies with them. It’s hard to imagine Danny not being here on this earth with us. We miss touching him and holding him and seeing that big beautiful smile and laugh. He really brought joy and happiness to our home. He will live forever in our hearts and minds and thoughts each day. Danny Jr. will never be forgotten. Haley talks about him every day, not one goes by where she doesn’t mention something.

---Haley is doing great and growing up to be a real beautiful high spirited girl. She has a heart of gold. She is getting so tall and changing so fast. She still loves to draw and color and seems to be what takes up her day here. She comes home and we do crafts and draw and then she watches a little television. She is doing great in school. The teacher said she is ahead of the game there and progressing a little faster than the other kids. She has a boy in her class in a wheelchair and the teacher said Haley pays special attention to him and tries to help him all the time. She has 2 blind children next door in the classroom and she always is first to volunteer to walk them to the playground. So we know the things she has been through has made her already at a young age a much better person and with the biggest heart ever. But in all she really is doing great. Her daddy had to be deployed for a bit and when he came back she was so thrilled. The whole time he was gone she cried for him and told everyone she wanted her daddy. She got sick and had to be taken to the hospital on base while Dan was gone and while in the emergency room she was crying so hard for her daddy that she made grown men cry. She really is a daddy’s girl and Dan eats that up. I think it’s adorable. Her daddy will be going away again soon for 4 months so we are trying to prepare her for that now. At least he will be here for Christmas though. Pray for all our troops as they really need it and the families, they really give a lot for this country. And people don’t realize how the families give as well. Mothers having to care for the children while the dad is away and running the household and the dads over there in a country that is nothing like ours. Having to wing it and know that their families are back here and they cant’ see hold or touch any of them. God Bless Our troops and their families.

---I had a great birthday Debby came down from Canada and took me out to a really nice bed and breakfast where we went to a murder mystery dinner, I really had so much fun and having her here made my birthday very special this year, thank you my dear sweet sister ;) I love you Deb. Haley had a great birthday this summer and had so much fun. We sent some pictures out of her birthday and got some real nasty emails back about how spoiled she is and how many gifts were on the table in the pictures for her but little did people know nor did they ask that her birthday this year was combined with Dan’s birthday and our friend Sonja whom was with us here when Danny Jr passed away it was her birthday her daughters and her sons so we had the party all for the 5 of them so the gifts for all those who emailed the nasty letters were not all Haley’s gifts it was 5 peoples sitting on that table thank you. But in all she had a great time with all the decorations and the party favors and the piñata it was a lot of fun. Debby and her son Jesse came down from Canada the party as well as Tammy from MA. Tammy is getting ready very soon to have her 3rd son and we wish her well and want her to know we love her and are thinking of her. We can’t wait to see the new baby Thomas Daniel DeMars. By coming down they made Haley’s birthday very special and they were a huge help. Haley misses Jesse her little friend very much. They are the same age. He is adorable.

---As far as the 1st yr that has passed we took flowers and toys out to the gravesite and have pictures too. Haley joined Daisy Scouts and loves it and we have pictures of her and some latest ones just email for them. In the pictures you will see flowers to the left at the top on the base of the stone by the wiggles those are from a wonderful dear eBay friend Meg and she sent the teddy bear there too and then the right flowers are from Sonja and family and the middle wreath is from Heather king and family thank you all so much. We received a dozen roses from Sonya Hollon and family that are beautiful and a bouquet of flowers that are breathtaking from Debby Emond and family. We have those on the table and you can see them in the pictures as well. We stayed out there for almost 2 hours while Haley was at Daisy Scouts and then when she was done we took her out there as well. It was hard being there knowing that you son is right below you but we know it’s just his body and that his spirit is with God and he is in heaven a little perfect angel with no sickness and no more suffering. He is in good hands. In the one picture you will see a flash across the picture we are not sure why it happened in the picture of Dan by the grave and it is strange but I am so skeptic still I blew it off as maybe a bug flew by or something. But in all we are doing ok here we really are. It will never be the same and I can honestly say life will never be the same for Dan and I but we move on so we can make Haley’s life the best we can. Thank you all for always being there for us and for your support and prayers. I will try and update the page more often. Hugs to you all!

---TO MY BABY BOY MY BEAUTIFUL SON DANNY JR.

---As the days go by I miss you more and more. The empty room where you slept just doesn't seem the same here as I pass it by it's so empty. I can still hear your soft low voice noises you used to make with your trach and I can still see the image of you pulling yourself down the hall and turning the corner only to smile at mommy and want to be picked up and held. I can still feel your soft chunky cheeks against mine as I smell you little baby smell. Even though you couldnt talk I can still hear you now and then. I long to hold you one day again and kiss your sweet cheeks and take you in my arms and never let you go. I will be there for you one day my sweet precious baby boy just wait for me and until then know mommy is always thinking of you always imagining you in my arms..always my angel among us..rest my sweet baby until we meet again..I LOVE YOU DANNY JR

---UPDATE--- December 10th 2005--Barbara's dad died this morning please keep her and her family in your prayers.

---UPDATE--Jan 12th 2006 ---Thank you all for the beautiful entries and the well wishes on Danny's other site. Haley is doing great in school she just loves it. We talk about Danny every day and yesterday we went through all the albums and talked about all the pictures which seemed to help her. She never wants to forget Danny and each day prays and tells him she loves him and misses him. We took Danny out a car to his grave as she wanted him to have something to play with for Christmas. She's a wonderful little girl and growing up so much. Christmas was great and she had so much fun. Thank you all who send ornaments we did get them and put them up and those who sent Haley gifts that was very much appreciated and she tore them open so quick :) Her daddy got his date to leave here soon and she is very sad knowing the day is near. She has had many restless nights and on edge but we will get through this, she has never been away from daddy and this will be a long time for her. He was gone a few months ago for 1 week and she went nuts, I cant imagine what 5 months will do to her. Baby David is getting so big and he turns 1 this month, we don't get to see him much but when we do he is so much bigger each time. Haley spends most of her evening drawing, pasting, cutting and crafting. She never stops and the downstairs is always a wreck. But she's a happy little girl and doing very well in school. We are very proud of her. She is joining baseball leagues this summer and can't wait she is very excited. Dan is doing well. A little down of course as he has to leave his family for so long but in all doing great. I've read all the entries on Danny's site the past few weeks and cried through them all, thank you all so much for the beautiful words and poems and feelings from your hearts, love you all

---Feb. 16th 2006-Well Dan has been gone now for almost a month and we miss him so much. Haley doesn't know what to do with herself here now. She asks every day how much longer until daddy comes home. We do have Dan's address over in Iraq if anyone would like to send a card or letter just email me. I'm sure he would love to get mail right now. He will be gone until June so it will be a long time for us here. Haley keeps busy with school and Karate classes. We do a lot of craft and art projects together. So she is doing ok. I just found out my older son is going to have another baby in September.

---UPDATE Feb 20th, 2006--Haley and I are doing fine and we went to see the grandbaby and he is getting so big. Haley had a great time playing with him.

---UPDATE May 3rd, 2006-- Haley is doing great in school and getting so big now. She finally is getting into some girl things like carrying a purse and wanting dolls for a change here, don't get me wrong she still has that tom boyish attitude and loves to play with cars and trucks ;) This year we are doing a spongebob birthday for Haley and is so excited. She sat at the counter the other day for 3 hours planning her party and all the wants it was so cute. My little girl is growing up so fast. Debby and Jesse will be coming down from Canada for her birthday so that will make it even more special. I want to thank Debby for being there for me when Danny was here and now that he is gone. She has remained by my side even though far away. Thank you Debby I love you Sis!! A true friend is hard to find but once you find them don't ever let them go!! I'm doing ok here just missing Dan a lot. Dan is ok and missing home quite a bit. I think he's tired of seeing sand and wants to see the greenery again. He comes home the beginning of June and will leave again Aug/Sept for School and then back again only to leave another 4 months for Cross Training School and then we will move after that but we don't know where yet. We are just wanting him home here safe. We won't see too much of him this year or into next but we hope next year we can all settle down again as a family. Haley misses her daddy very much and asks about him every day. There isn't a day that goes by she doesn't talk about her daddy and baby Danny. May God Bless ALL our troops!! And bring them home safe. FREEDOM IS NOT FREE!!

---November 7th, 2006---UPDATE:I know it has been 2 years since our little man took his last breath but it seems like only yesterday to me. I remember him scooting along the floor and him rounding the corner and a big huge smile as I reached down to pick him up and he would laugh. I think back to the times when he would pull Haley's hair and laugh so loud you could hear it through the trachea. He had that little devilish grin but was such an angel, always a good little boy and always happy. Even when he was hurting so bad he would smile through it. He was our strength to get us through it with that smile. We figured if he could smile through the pain then we certainly could get through another day. I miss those chunky cheeks and that laugh. But I miss holding him close and to this day my heart aches for him so badly. Time has not I repeat has not eased our pain. Time does not heal. The pain is there and as time goes on it gets worse not better. To know we had a little boy so precious and so beautiful and now to know he is in the ground buried below our feet when we go to see him, wow it is the worse feeling you could ever know. Until you have lost a child yourself I don't think you can understand the pain ever. It's different than losing your mom, dad Uncle or even brothers and sisters. I've lost all those as well and the pain of losing Danny is the worse pain I have ever been through. I want everyone to look at Danny's video tomorrow and remember him.

---I used to think Danny would make it and everything would be ok but when that day came and he died and I held him for 2 hours before they got here to take his little body my world changed. I held him close and felt him get stiff and the life was gone and there and that moment of those 2 hours a piece of me died with Danny and I will never recover from that. The thought and the hope and the prayers and everything was gone. I held my little boy and the dreams we had with him, for him and the future had all went up in smoke. Dan and I will never be the same and as parents you aren't believe me. Your life changes and the way you think and act changes. Your heart aches not once in awhile when you think about him but every day because each day there is a thought and a remembrance of him. He looked just his daddy and to go out to the cemetery and see your last name on a stone with your little boys picture on the front is not normal for a human being. I lost hope that day and I can honestly say I lost my faith that day. I don't pray anymore and I don't have any intentions to ever to do so. I have turned bitter and don't think I will ever get faith back. It makes you that way to lose a child. People can say all they want that a lose like this brings you closer to God but if they were to tell you the honest truth it doesn't. Think about it yourselves if you lost that beautiful child your holding right now or sitting next to you, how would you feel to never see them again? How would you react? How would you seal with it every day of your life that goes on? Then think about Haley who is 6 now and remembers her brother like he was right here next to her. She talks about him every day and misses hi so much. The pain in her little voice when she asks about him just tears me apart. But we go on because we have to and we make this life now the best we can for Haley.

---Haley is 6 now and in 1st grade and loves school. She is doing so well and can read now and is learning so fast. We are very proud of her. You would all love her she is a little ham for us and makes us laugh and smile each day. I wanted to thank all those who do keep Haley close their hearts still to this day. We have a few that still send her Christmas gifts each year and that has meant the world to us that a few still keep her close and as family. As you know our immediate families have nothing to do with her so to have ones on here that still love her dearly and keep her as part of their family has meant a lot to us. I always get so angry thinking about the Grandma that she does have still alive but because of her religious beliefs has nothing to do with her but on the other hand she has another grandson now by Dan's sister who she buys everything for and does everything for and why? Because they are all the same religion how sad and again makes us bitter towards religion. Haley has no grandparents that care about her and do you think she cares, yes, she does. Its sad when asks us mommy or daddy why doesn't Grandma love me? And we have to tell her because her religion makes her not love you. How sad. Haley does have her 2 older step brothers that love her though and all of you and I thank you for that. Our life has not been easy here. I wish we had a normal life with family that cared and places we could go to on the holidays and share her with them. I envy all of you out there that has close family. I'm not trying to be a jerk here or get anyone down just making you think about life.

---Think about Christmas here when its only Dan, Haley and myself. Do you think that's fun or exciting or a happy day, no its not because we know there are families out there that are having big get togethers and enjoying family dinners and good times. Don't get me wrong we enjoy our small Christmas together and make it the best we can for Haley but we also know it could be better. We are thankful for the family we do have and hope everyone out there this year looks around at their families and holds them and cherishes every minute with them.

---When you look at your child and they are getting on your nerves take them and hold them, read them a story and let them know you love them. What else do you have in this world except your family and kids. We live for our kids and life is short very short and each day that you think doesn't matter well it does. Your child needs your time and attention not to be left alone or to be shoved off on others but needs you. We may be tired and worn out and think man they are getting on my nerves but think about Danny then and how you could lose them and then they are never there again for you to say that. Hug your kids love them and give them all of you. Play with them and take time even if its an hour a day just with them, do it take that time to show them you love them and care.

---Dan is doing great here and almost finished getting his masters degree. He has a little over 4 years with the Air Force and then we hope he can find a great job somewhere and we can move from here and start over somewhere. We need a change for sure. But he is doing great and back from Iraq. I have surgery coming up in November and hope it will be the last one. I've had a lot of health problems the past few months but hope to be on a better track after the new year. I have a grandson who is almost 2 now and new granddaughter that is beautiful. We don't get to see them much as they live a good distance from us but they are all doing ok. I have new pictures of Haley if anyone wants those I can send them via email. I'm trying to keep busy still selling on eBay but the auctions have not gone so well for us and we have lost more money than we make so I may have to quit that totally and who knows what I will do then. But please all remember Danny tomorrow and the joy he has brought to us all not just our family but yours as well :) And thank you all for always being there for us too. I will update more soon but right now my eyes are filled with so many tears they are dropping all over my computer keyboard, hugs and love to all. Barb

---November 9th, 2006---I want to thank everyone for the beautiful entries on the caringbridge site http://www2.caringbridge.org/il/dannyjr/, , let me tell you they did help a lot and I cried my eyes out reading them all but it did help. You are all treasured forever in our hearts and knowing we have family like all of you helps us get through the next day here. For the first time in years I sat at the end of the bed and actually prayed. I prayed for softness of my heart and for understanding and wisdom to help me get through life without Danny. I prayed to be a great mom to Haley and asked to know or be shown how to get through this without feeling biiter. I had a calm come over me and for ones who know me I just don't pray anymore but it seemed to help a lot and I think I may keep it up and hope someday my faith returns fully. We went and put a beautiful arrangement for Christmas or the Holidays on Danny's grave, we bought him some new toys and set all the angel statues out there and sent off balloons soaring as we cried our eyes out. Im taking Haley out there today to take some pictures and so she can see him as well.

---Jan. 7th, 2007--Well Christmas was great for Haley this year and she got spoiled as usual by many ebay friends that we want to thank from our hearts for making her Christmas a great one. I have had many surgeries and home now recovering well. Dan is away again until March. Dan finished his Masters degree and graduated with high honors we are so proud of him. I just got done catching up on here and I cried so hard as I read K's notes. You know what I am going through and I can tell you feel the same pain I do and you know what K I won't give up. I have been at my lowest and had more things happen to me within 2 years than most people in a lifetime. I have had many family deaths including my own son and many surgeries and times away from Dan while he was away in Iraq and now gone to Tech School until March and I'm still here going strong. So someone is looking out for me for there have been times when I wanted to throw in the towel. There has to be a higher power looking after me because I feel like Job did. I feel so many times I am being tested and think how many more can I go through when another comes along. But you know what if that is my fate and what life has in store for me all I can do is deal with it, learn from things, move on and live. Haley is doing great and she is so smart and learning so fast. I cried the first time she read her first book to Dan over the phone while he was in Iraq. It was a turning point for me as far as seeing her through different eyes. She has the beauty the brains and a jokster like daddy. But she has a heart of gold, more precious than diamonds or pearls. God gave us a beautiful daughter to raise and we thank him for that. He gave us Danny which changed our lives in more ways than we could ever write on here and what a blessing he is and was. Things happen in life for a reason and when you overcome the obstacles it makes you stronger. Not to say there aren't days when I'm alone here and I sit and cry my eyes out because I have many of those. I'm thankful for what I do have though, my family and all my wonderful dear friends who have stayed close over the years. You all have made me who I am today and believe me it's a much better person. I can't feel selfish when God gave his only son for all of us so I am thankful. Thankful for his son and thankful he gave me mine if only for a short time. Barbara Balow

---July. 30th, 2007--I was thinking so much of Danny last night and how he made us all laugh all the time and it broke my heart to come out of my trance and know he's not here. I haven't checked the page in awhile and I will do better I promise. Its hard to imagine that Danny would have been 5 now, the time had just flown by. Haley just turned 7 on July 21st and she is getting so big now. She makes us laugh all the time as she is a comedian just like her daddy. She is smart as a whip and has a mouth at times to show it ;) She spent the night last night at a friends house and it was so weird here without her and the house felt empty. I worry all the time when she is not in my sight. I always fear something will happen to her. Its hard not to feel so protective after Danny passing away. Dan is doing great and dealing with his diabetes. I'm hanging in here still trying to do ebay but it really has gone downhill and hard to get by here without it. Ive tried several work at home attempts but all of them have been scams. I cant get a job outside the home because when Dan deploys we have nobody to watch Haley so we are pretty much on our own here. A dear wonderful friend who has stayed close to us for years now Debby Emond has bought Haley all her summer clothes and sent clothes for winter and without her we couldn't make it here. Debby and Jesse just visited here for Haley's birthday and we had a great time. We went to St Louis to the Holiday Inn and stayed over night and the kids went swimming the whole time, that was Debby's gift to Haley. We came out the next morning though and someone broke into my van and damaged it quite a bit and stole our GPS so if anyone ever goes to St Louis be careful and lock your doors and take all your valuables inside. We learned a hard expensive lesson. Debby was a sweat heart and bought Dan a new GPS for his birthday and Christmas gifts for the next 10 years :) Thank you Deb. If it wasn't for you I'm not sure where our family would be right now, you are a priceless friend--THE BEST!! I have kept many friendships off ebay and I thank God each day for all of you. Joel I was saddened to hear about your mom and my best to you and huge hugs. Hope all is well with all of you. HUGS N KISSES TO ALL!! Miss you all too.

---November. 8th, 2007, --Dear Danny, Its hard to believe you have been gone for 3 years now. Seems like yesterday you were here scooting all over the floor and smiling and having fun. We miss your beautiful smile and chunky cheeks and the way you made us all laugh. Your personality was one in a million. My heart aches every time I think about 3 years ago and what we all went through. Your little life just slipped away and went so fast. Doesnt seem fair at all. So many people in this world who just abuse their kids and not pay attention to them and we as parents who loved you with all our hearts and we lose you, doesn't seem fair at all. I wish people would look at their kids and treasure them as they should. Spend time with them and hold them and love them as we did with you. I cant ever say your in a better place because the best place was here with us. We are still hurt and bitter after all these years and don't think that will ever stop. I can't get faith back as it's lost for good. I know people that are religious just don't understand how we can feel this way but until you have had a child sick for years and slowly watch them suffer and die I don't think a judgement should be made on us. We hold your memory deep in our hearts and minds forever baby boy. We hope wherever you are you have found peace. We will find peace once we join you but until then we cope and move on. Love you Danny Jr. so much, hugs n kisses little man ;) Love mommy

---November. 8th, 2007,--Well Haley is doing much better now and out of the hospital. She was very ill and glad to report healthy and happy now. She is doing very well in school and loves it. She's bored when she doesn't have school. She is growing up so fast and lost her first tooth on Oct. 22nd this year. She has gotten so much taller and smarter. She is into Hanna Montana now and watches that every day and finally starting to like dolls. She wants to be a drummer now and a doctor so hopefully she will go with the doctor plans ;) Dan is dealing with his diabetes and we are coping the best we can here. Time moves on but sometimes seems went too fast. Yesterdays go by faster than you can shake a stick and aging creeps up so fast with all its ailments. So live for today and enjoy life because it goes by too quick. And we only have one life and then we are gone so make the best of it ;)

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