Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.

I've lowered my expectations to the point where they've already been met 

Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it very often.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong 

Do you believe in love at first sight or do i have to walk by again? 

Don't blame yourself. Let me do it 

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder 

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have 

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. 

Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible? 

I don't know what your problem is, But I'll bet it'll be hard to pronounce 

I'm not a vegetarian because I love Animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants 

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

The universe is laughing behind your back.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I’m not sure what’s wrong… But it’s probably your fault.