FADE IN
INT. VIDEODROME - DAY - FRONT OF STORE
Opening scene. Two clerks, JONAH and MARK, are behind the counter at a video store, the Videodrome. MARK is reading an issue of Fangoria, sittting on a stool. JONAH is typing something into the store's computer, standing up. Both are in the middle of conversation.
CAMERA DOLLIES IN TOWARDS COUNTER
MARK
...I don't know who these motherf---ers think they're fooling. They're not fooling me one bit. I know exactly what they're doing.
JONAH
Will you stop being so paranoid? You're jumping to conclusions about the entire situation.
MARK
Paranoid? Who's paranoid? I'm not f---ing paranoid. Why do you think they started keeping track of the movies we rent? Someone's been stealing tapes. In fact, someone's stolen virtually all the XXX tapes this store used to own. You know, Jonah, you of all people are probably a prime suspect.
JONAH
Not me, g. I live the life, I don't need my sex on re-run. Number two, my personal library contains only the finest adult cinema from the 70's, real movies, porn with plots, none of these disposable tapes of today, the cast-off cum shots of dime a dozen so-called directors, tapes whose biggest stars are silicon and shoe cams.
MARK
Whatever. They're even trying to keep me from filming my movie here. Y'know, this place sucks.
Suddenly, the front door swings open and a middle-aged black man wearing a ski mask bursts into the store. He dashes to the counter, and before JONAH or MARK can react, pulls out a knife.
ROBBER
Heyyy, white boys. This is a stick-up! I want your hands up, I want your heads up, and gimme all the bread while you're at it!
MARK almost falls off his stool, dropping the magazine he's been reading, then rushes for the cash register and nervously begins trying to open it.
MARK
Oh sh--, sir, please, put that away, we'll give you all the money, you don't have to hurt anybody.
ROBBER
You'll do what, boy? What did you say?
MARK
I...I...I said just hold on a second, you can have everything we've got, just let me get this f---ing cash register open.
JONAH calmly reaches beneath the counter, grabs a shotgun, and points it straight at the ceiling.
JONAH
(with a slightly bored expression)
Ok, sir, that's far enough. Now give me the knife before someone really does get hurt.
ROBBER
What, you're gonna shoot me? Are you for real, white boy?
JONAH
Mr. Kincaid, do I have to do this?
ROBBER
You honky moron, what the f--- did I just say? You couldn't shoot that gun if you wanted to. I'm giving you five seconds, then it's lights out for both you devils. One...two...three...
On the count of three, JONAH fires the shotgun. It blasts a huge hole into the ceiling tiles, and a cloud of dust comes billowing down.
ROBBER
(Pauses, then grins.)
Now that's more like it! Jonah, my favorite white boy!
MARK stops trying to open the register, looks around, totally confused.
JONAH
Mr. Kincaid, don't you ever get tired of fixing holes in this ceiling?
The robber takes off his mask, revealing that he is actually FLOYD KINCAID, owner of the Videodrome.
MR. KINCAID
Jonah, I own this whole building, and it gets hot during the summer. So a little more ventilation never did nobody no harm.
MR. KINCAID, CONT'D
(turning his attention to MARK)
Now you, Cage, what do you have to say for yourself?
MARK
Mr. Kincaid, I...I'm sorry, I didn't know it was you.
MR. KINCAID
No sh--. Boy, what the hell did I tell you about robberies when I hired you?
MARK
Uh, uh, you said to give them the money?
MR. KINCAID
(shaking his head)
Wrong! You knucklehead, I said only if they've got a gun do you give them our hard-earned money! That money's got to pay you, Jonah, and a half dozen other representatives of your slacker generation who claim to be gainfully employed here! Not to mention keeping me in the grand lifestyle I've become accustomed to, with a little left over for the revolution!
JONAH
But if they don't have a gun...
MR. KINCAID
If they're carrying a knife, or a club, or a sharp pole, or a pair of f---ing Bruce Lee nunchucks, then goddamnit, I expect you to defend this store with the street-legal shotgun I've gone out of my way to provide you with! And fire it to show 'em you mean business! Live a little, huh? Now, I gotta be somewhere. Jonah, I'm counting on you to close tonight.
MR. KINCAID turns around and heads for the door.
MR. KINCAID
(pausing as he exits)
Mark, you better get yourself together, otherwise you're outta here! And don't let me catch you in the store after hours again trying to shoot your goddamned movie!
MR. KINCAID dashes out the front door. MARK sits back down, still shaken and totally freaked out by what's just happened.
MARK
You see? I can't believe I have to put up with sh-- like this! Why am I still at this job?
JONAH puts the shotgun back underneath the counter and reflects for a moment, before replying.
JONAH
Well, Mark, that's a good question. Why do any of us choose to work here at the Videodrome. I guess we all have our own reasons. Personal vision quests. Mediocre life goals. The lure of free porno rentals. But for me, it boils down to incidents like the one that happened last Thursday night.
FLASHBACK - INSTANT DISSOLVE TO:
INT. VIDEODROME - NIGHT - FRONT OF STORE
JONAH (VO)
I was on duty alone, about to close. Then this couple comes in. She's white-hot, dressed in a tight skirt, see-through blouse, and these big platform heeled go-go boots. He's wearing a f---ing long-ass raincoat and not much else.
CUT TO:
INT. VIDEODROME - NIGHT - BACK ROOM
The wife takes JONAH into the back room, where the X-rated flicks are kept.
JONAH (VO)
We f--- while her husband watches the whole nine. She's a nympho exhibitionist, he's a voyeur. And right then, right when we're both just about to peak, it hits me! Mack of the year time, baby - the security system's on, so I got it all on videotape!
CUT TO:
CREDITS
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. VIDEODROME - DAY - STOREFRONT
ON-SCREEN TITLE - "WILMINGTON, DELAWARE - 1998"
TRACKING SHOT TO INT. VIDEODROME - DAY - FRONT OF STORE
Credits dissolve into tracking shot from outside of Videodrome, store sign lit up in neon, travels into store and towards front counter. JONAH is now alone behind the counter, busy checking in tapes.
JONAH (VO)
Have we met? My name is Jonah. I'm 24, and I'm an Aries. If you can guess someone's sun sign, it's almost like you already know them. Once you know their favorite actor or actress, it's all over, bam, you're practically tight. My favorite actor is Jamie Gillis, and if you know who that is, you can fill in the blanks on my sheet real quick.
CUT TO:
JONAH'S POV - FRONT OF STORE
JONAH (VO, CONT'D)
Now that everything's gone down, I should have known it would be an interesting summer right from the start. My friend Harold, well, his actual name is Moon Ra, but he also goes by Harold, came into work one day that spring...
HAROLD enters the store, wild-eyed, all bugged out.
JONAH (VO, CONT'D)
...with his mind blown over some strange visions he'd seen. Something about premonitions of the second coming of the funk. Harold's usually talking weird bullsh-- to that effect, but this time it was different.
HAROLD
Look. Peace. Jonah, I told y'all, the sh-- is on! Planets, many planets, they're aligning as we sit here and speak. It's all gonna go down later this summer, I heard it, I saw it, I was seized by an energy transmission last night. We gotta get ready, baby, 'cuz the funk ain't gonna wait!
JONAH (VO)
I was on duty that day with Emma and Mark, two kids with a knack for being around whenever something odd is up.
EMMA and MARK appear from recesses of store.
JONAH (VO, CONT'D)
Mark couldn't care less about much of anything Harold had to say, but Emma was all about it. Emma's a mobile revolutionary with heavy hacker credentials and a serious beef with the system. Veteran of the battle of Seattle, she's thrown down with the WTO in D.C., Quebec, you name it. Her uncle was some radical dude named Abbie Hoffman who supposedly once levitated the Pentagon.
EMMA
What's up, Moon! How were those shrooms?
HAROLD
Right on, girl! What's happening!
HAROLD and EMMA exchange power to the people handshake.
HAROLD, CONT'D
Check it, I saw the whole deal come down right in front of my eyes, this super-duper fantastic amazing outer space transmission. For real. Last night. Interstellar guardians of the funk, beaming rays into my mind. Cosmic energy! You hear me, girl?
EMMA
Sounds like the pig war-on-drugs motherf---ers busted all the good suppliers again and all that's left are those pesticide-coated caps from Florida. I'm sorry, man, that was a counter-revolutionary slip up on my part, I hope you didn't freak out.
HAROLD
What it is, girl, is exactly what it was, and what it will be is nothing less than the foretold return of the Funk. Like the elders prophesized, the Seventh Funk Dynasty, the Millennial Funkification, the uninterrupted thousand years of Funk!
EMMA
Come here, Harold, I've got some orange juice in the back. I'll hook you up. Check out this book I'm reading, "Hacker's Guide To Destroying Corporate Death Machines." Sounds like a heavy trip, do you have any left?
HAROLD
(being led away by EMMA)
Girl, I haven't eaten any yet! This sh-- last night was for real, let me tell you about the black box they showed me diagrams for...
CUT TO:
INT. VIDEODROME - DAY - FRONT OF STORE
JONAH & MARK are left on duty in the store.
JONAH (VO)
Harold was out there a minute, for sure, but he was also an electronics genius. He built his own computer back in the day, and hooked up every unit in the Newark housing project where his uncle lived with free cable, unlimited long distance, and power meters that ran backwards thirteen days out of the month.
MARK
(absentmindedly)
Do you think it's Samantha? She seems so innocent. She doesn't fool me. Think about it, man, that's the perfect cover story. What is she doing with all those tapes?
JONAH (VO)
Now Mark was another case altogether. Anybody who idolizes Travis Bickel is short a few cards to start, and this kid was no exception. A confirmed horror and sci fi junkie, he was supposedly shooting his own ultra low-budget film that spring. It Came From Beneath The Mall - a cautionary tale for careless shoppers everywhere.
MARK
I think she's selling them! Nigel over at Ernie's Sex Shack said they just got in a big shipment of adult tapes real cheap, I bet that's where they are!
STANLEY walks through the Videodrome's front door in time to catch only the tail end of what MARK just said.
STANLEY
Mark, you hanging out at Ernie's again? Gonna catch something off those peep show stools.
MARK
F--- you, Stanley.
STANLEY
Goldie's the name, and mackin's my game, my pasty-faced albino brother! Get it right, so's you won't be uptight when on comes the night and my entire army of revolutionary comrades your white a-- must fight!
Laughing, STANLEY high fives JONAH.
STANLEY, CONT'D
What it is, it is, and what will be, will be, you dig?
JONAH (VO)
Stanley "Goldie" Frost was always on the scene at the Videodrome. He'd flow through the store once a day even when he wasn't working, just to keep tabs on who was scheming what. Stanley also had plenty of his own schemes to keep track of, most involving his would-be stable of girls he was chasing and how they were going to help him resurrect the worldwide black power movement.
STANLEY
You know, every time I come in here and see you two bozos goofing off, I'm reminded of the daily struggles of the proletariat. Y'all are likely candidates for the lampposts for sure.
JONAH
Yeah, but you'll be right there alongside us. Last time I checked, you didn't speak Chinese!
STANLEY
But I'm learning, man. A new phrase with every fortune cookie!
JONAH
F--- it, man, they've all traded in their red books for cell phones these days, anyways.
STANLEY
You two actually have always reminded me of those white kids from Clerks.
JONAH
You know what I hated the most about that movie?
MARK
What?
JONAH
That scene where they're sitting around talking about the relative merits of the Empire Strikes Back versus Return Of The Jedi.
STANLEY
Check it, this is something really nasty that this guy I know does. He's with his girl, and he wants to prolong her pleasure, right? Drag it out a bit, you know? So right when he's about to pop off, to slow things down a little, cool it out, he starts thinking about Yoda s---ing on his d---!
MARK
No way, man!
JONAH
Ohmigod, that's gross.
JONAH hits STANLEY in the shoulder.
JONAH, CONT'D
Why'd you do that, man? You're gonna jinx my a-- for later on tonight, I know it.
STANLEY
(laughing)
Sorry, my brother, I'm just relaying the story.
MARK
So what about Clerks, Jonah?
JONAH
All I'm saying is that it was bullsh--, that no self-respecting video fiends are going to discuss some silly sh-- like that. I'd wanna know the inside dope about how they dealt with Mark Hamill's Corvette Summer facelift.
STANLEY
And whether Lando Calrissian was originally a black character or whether he got Richard Pryor'd in there like they did in Superman III. But only one of those kids worked at a video store. And Kevin Smith made that film for fifteen grand, so it was bound to be rough.
MARK
Why'd he spend so much? My budget is barely $2,000.
JONAH
It came out back in the day, before you could put digital video equipment or even Hi-8 on your credit cards, Mark. And this is Kevin Smith we're talking about, the guy who Chased Amy's commercial potential right out of the wallets of every twenty-something kid in America.
STANLEY
Yeah, dude, I thought you were trying to be a real artist, no sellouts.
MARK
No one will ever be able to accuse me of selling out. My art is the very definition of cinema verite. The sweat is real, the blood is real, it's all for real! Besides, my films have no commercial potential whatsoever.
STANLEY
I wouldn't go that far, man. When It Came From Underneath The Mall makes it big, you're gonna bust out with your crowd-pleasing followup, right? Night Of The Silly Toilets?
MARK
Don't f--- with me, Stanley. It Came From Beneath The Mall is the name of my debut film, and Night Of The Sinister Toilets will be my second.
STANLEY
Whatever. I'm sure security guards and plumbers everywhere will love 'em. And my name is Goldie, get it straight!
CUT TO:
INT. VIDEODROME - DAY - FRONT OF STORE
STANLEY
Look, I gotta go. I got a lady to meet and some good times to greet. Where's Mr. Kincaid?
JONAH
Out to lunch, man. Where else?
STANLEY
Motherf---er! Tell him I'll be back around five. He owes me for two weeks and change, so the field hands is restless. Later, fellas.
STANLEY exits the store.
MARK disappears into the stacks to re-shelve movies. JONAH remains behind the counter, doing some busy work.
JONAH (VO)
For all Stanley's talk, he was Mr. Kincaid's most loyal employee. He was the only one who really listened to him jive about the old days when John Abar ran the UFB, before he flipped out on some weird batch of acid. Floyd Kincaid. Creator and perpetrator of our corporate empire. Owner of the Videodrome. Cool dude for a guy in his fifties. Back in the day, Mr. Kincaid was actually a high ranking official in the UFB, the United Fruit of Blackness, the infamous black power group considered far more radical than the Panthers. Today, Mr. Kincaid's big contribution to society was keeping us Videodrome employees off the streets.
WAYNE RECTANUS, regular Videodrome customer, comes into the store. WAYNE opens a knapsack and lays five videotapes one by one on the counter.
WAYNE
These tapes had problems. They gave me problems. This one, right here? It was the wrong tape. This one, right here? The tracking was bad. This one, this one here? I didn't like it. But I liked this one. And this one right here? I didn't like it.
MARK
(returning to counter, not having heard WAYNE)
Hi Wayne, did you enjoy them?
JONAH
Uh, Wayne, we can't be held responsible if you didn't like these movies. Maybe store credit for the one with tracking problems.
WAYNE
(looking at MARK with a blank stare)
I had problems with all of 'em. Mark told me I would like them, and I didn't. You wanted me to watch them.
MARK
Uh, Jonah, it's cool. This guy's alright. Wayne, buddy, I got some more movies for you.
WAYNE
Why'd you give me that one about the zombies and the mall?
MARK
You didn't like Dawn of the Dead? Wayne, that's the exact atmosphere we're trying to create in my movie! The decaying playground of the mall is where a decaying society goes to play.
WAYNE
My mall's not like that.
MARK
(gesturing for JONAH to go away)
No, your mall is very nice. I didn't mean that. Jonah, can you excuse us for a second? Huh?
JONAH
I'm going on break, man.
JONAH shakes his head in bemusement and walks towards the back of the store.
MARK
(leaning close to WAYNE)
Listen, Wayne, I thought we had a deal. I give you as many free movies as you want, and you let me into the mall when you're on duty after hours.
WAYNE
But you can't make my mall look like the one from that movie. I love my mall. I won security guard of the month in February.
MARK
Wayne, your mall's gonna be famous. Don't worry.
WAYNE
O.k, Mark.
MARK
(sliding him some tapes)
Here, watch these, and bring 'em back before next weekend. I'll be working on Saturday. And I need to film on Tuesday and Thursday nights this week.
WAYNE
O.k., Mark. Push the call button outside the green door next to the blue dumpster.
MARK
Where you'll probably be sitting anyways smoking cigarettes.
WAYNE
O.k, Mark.
WAYNE exits the store. MARK watches WAYNE leave with a twisted smile on his face.
MARK
Wayne, you stupid motherf---er. Just another piece of trash on the mean streets of Wilmington, and buddy, you're due for a cleaning.
CUT TO:
INT. VIDEODROME - DAY - BREAK ROOM
JONAH walks through the door of the Videodrome's break room and is greeted by laughter. The camera cuts to show HAROLD and EMMA chilling on a couch, smoking a large bowl.
EMMA
Hey! Break time!
EMMA takes a hit from the bowl.
HAROLD
It's on, baby! Sit down and boogaloo some of this green leaf, Jonah. Because the skunk precedes the funk.
JONAH
Yeah, I'll take a lick off that peace pipe.
JONAH takes a hit, holds it a bit and exhales.
JONAH, CONT'D
Harold, you feeling any better?
HAROLD
(laughing)
I feel fine, my man. You dig? I wasn't high on anything last night. Everything I saw, everything I heard, it was all for real! I've been touched by the light of the cosmic oneness, the universal presence of the extraterrestrial funk!
JONAH
Sounds like you've been touched by some excellent shrooms.
EMMA
(excitedly)
Jonah, really, Moon is onto some serious sh--! I don't know what happened to him, but he's got this amazing broadcast frequency override schemata all planned out! Just from what he's been telling me, I think it could actually work!
HAROLD exhales a hit, then passes the pipe to EMMA.
HAROLD
I was meditating. It was 3:33 am. There was a flash. Then this outer space energy beam special delivered my mind at the speed of Warp 9, filling my consciousness with new knowledge of a previously unknown species of groove-fortified funk. And the MFA box is the key to it all.
JONAH
What?
EMMA
(exhaling a hit)
I want to call it the Mind Frequency Adjustment project, MFA for short. Jonah, what's your favorite radio station?
EMMA passes the pipe to JONAH.
JONAH
Keep it locked on 91.7, WMPH, the Beat of Wilmington. But that's a non-profit station run by high school kids, definitely an exception. I hate the radio.
EMMA
Right on! Radio is wack! It's owned by corporate masters whose only agenda is to use mindless music to brainwash people into a dull state of political complacency so they'll make better consumers.
HAROLD
(indignantly)
They've banished the funk! Fight The Power was number one R&B in '75, the O'Jays had solid top ten hits for five years with message songs. Then came the discofication of black music and the power structure's all-out war against anything funky. But the wheels of steel are gonna turn, baby, turn.
JONAH
Harold, what are you saying?
EMMA and HAROLD look at each other and laugh.
HAROLD
You'll see, man. Millennial Funkification. Coming soon to a boombox near you. C'mon, Emma, let's go get this revolution together.
EMMA
Jonah, have Stanley call us at my place if he comes in tonight, ok?
JONAH
Yeah, sure. Later.
HAROLD
Peace!
EMMA and HAROLD exit the break room.
JONAH
Peace.
JONAH stares after them. Then he looks down at the pipe in his hand and calls out:
JONAH
Hey, you forgot your bowl!
JONAH shrugs, takes the last hit, cashes it out and is seized by a lengthy coughing fit. He then ponders out loud:
JONAH
This is no dank, this is skank! How'd they get so high?
CUT TO:
INT. VIDEODROME - DAY - FRONT OF STORE
SAMANTHA walks through the Videodrome's front door.
SAM
Hi, Mark!
MARK
(looking up from the counter)
Oh, hi Samantha. Boy, am I glad you're here, 'cuz Jonah's in the back and I gotta go! Bye!
MARK grabs his coat and virtually runs out of the store.
SAM
(calling after him)
Bye, Mark!
CUSTOMER #1 approaches the counter with a stack of tapes.
CUSTOMER #1
Do you take credit cards?
SAM
Sure, are you ready to check out? I can get those for you.
CUSTOMER #1 hands over his credit card and SAM busies herself checking him out. JONAH walks back out onto the floor.
JONAH (VO)
Maybe I should have listened more to what Harold and Emma were trying to tell me that day. It would have made what happened later a lot easier to understand. But right then, I was on duty with Samantha, and I had more important fish to fry. Sam Winters, a shy little white girl whose biggest fun before she started working at the Videodrome was spending every weekend driving up and down the East Coast to massive out-of-state raves. The only thing she was crazier about than raving was 80's flicks, maybe because she was a dead ringer for that Molly Ringwald chick. But without the red hair.
SAM
(addressing JONAH without looking up)
Jonah, don't even think about leaving early tonight. Run this card for me?
SAM hands JONAH the credit card.
JONAH
Hi, Sam, love you too.
JONAH swipes card through credit card terminal, waits for it to take.
CUSTOMER #1
Are these good movies?
SAM
Sorry, sir, we don't review the adult titles, we just rent them.
JONAH
(realizing the card has been denied)
Uh, your Visa's been denied, buddy. You want me to try another card?
CUSTOMER #1
Do you take cash?
JONAH
I don't know if we still do or not. That's awfully twentieth century.
SAM
(takes money and returns CUSTOMER #1's credit card)
Don't listen to him, sir. Thanks, come again.
CUSTOMER #1 exits store.
JONAH
So Sam, what's up with your friend Sharon?
SAM
Huh? What are you talking about?
JONAH
She was in here the other night. All made up with nowhere to go. Why's she trying to pull a Theresa Dunn?
SAM
She is not.
JONAH
Swear to God, she was coming onto me like crazy.
SAM
You don't know the first thing about what women want. On the prowl doesn't mean porn star.
JONAH
Hello? What happened to Theresa?
SAM
Yeah, yeah, so she never found her Mr. Goodbar. So what?
JONAH
So Sharon needs to watch herself.
SAM
I've never known you to pass up eager female company.
JONAH
Only free spirits need apply, baby! No acting out to counter repression, no poor-self image overcompensation. No way. That's not a healthy sexuality.
SAM
Masters and Johnson and Jonah.
JONAH
I'm just sick of it, Sam. The girls I meet have too many problems. Girls attracted to guys who are bad for them. Girls who fake nymphomania. Girls running away from their parents.
SAM
Girls pretending to be of legal age?
FLOYD KINCAID enters the Videodrome. MR. KINCAID is tall, black, smooth, smiling, and nattily dressed. Glasses, salt & pepper afro, long sideburns. He's wearing a turtleneck and a clenched fist black power medallion hangs dangling from his necklace.
MR. KINCAID
You kids are gonna make me a f---ing fortune yet. Any messages?
JONAH
Hey, Mr. K. Somebody called you about a Melvin Van Pebbles film festival. The number's on your desk.
MR. KINCAID
Did I hire a dyslexic? Do I look like Barney Rubble? It's Van Peebles, you knucklehead. And my name's not Special K. I'm paying your bills, Jonah, don't you forget it. I've got my eye on you. Where's the monitor tape from Thursday, by the way?
JONAH
Uh, it broke down, Mr. K. I didn't have a chance to tell you.
MR. KINCAID
Kin-caid, like Kin-te, you dig? Jonah, if you've been borrowing porn tapes, you'd better bring them back soon. There's over a hundred missing. Samantha, keep this punk in check, ok? I'll be in my office.
MR. KINCAID disappears into the back of the store.
JONAH
With all the deviants who work here, why put the finger on me. What was I saying? Oh yeah. Theresa led a double life. She could only discover herself based on who she didn't want to be.
SAM
She was a strong woman struggling to understand her own sexuality. Aren't we all?
JONAH
I know who I am and what I want. Open minds. Dance Fever. Rollerskates. Becky Sunshine. Star Hills. Candice Railston.
SAM
You and your rollergirls, Jonah. You're like Michael Rapaport from Beautiful Girls with the pinups on his wall.
JONAH
That's totally uncalled for. You compare me with the sleaziest, most obnoxious character ever in an A-title.
SAM
Just his women attitude.
STANLEY breezes through the Videodrome's front door.
STANLEY
I know he's here, I saw his ride, now it's time for demands to be met. Where is he?
JONAH
In the back, man.
STANLEY
Yassuh, boss can I shine your windshield, and give me my goddamned money while you're at it.
STANLEY heads for MR. KINCAID'S office.
JONAH
You know, Mr. Kincaid's been thinking about going out of town soon.
SAM
Right, and leave who in charge? You? Stanley the would-be pimp?
JONAH
We could run this place.
SAM
The minute Mr. Kincaid turns his back, you guys will be trying to sell his videos and anything else that's not nailed down around here to the first knucklehead who walks in off the street.
Suddenly, BILL & TED come rushing through the Videodrome's front door, enveloped by clouds of pot smoke.
TED
Reporting for duty, let the customers beware!
BILL
Does anyone have a cigarette?
JONAH
Since when do you crave nicotine?
BILL
(turning to face the camera, in a stage whisper)
That's just so I could sneak in a secret message to the young, impressionable kids in the audience to only smoke weed, not tobacco. That nicotine sh-- will kill ya!
JONAH (VO)
Bill and Ted Stonowski. Twin brothers. Japanese. Major league weed heads. Both of them figured they'd be the next Coen Brothers, or Farrelly Brothers, or at least the Mitchell Brothers. Problem was, they spent all their time puffing joints while bullsh--ting about scripts they were gonna write and not a lot of time writing them.
TED
Dude, where's the car?
BILL
Ted, that's a tired attempt to crack a joke at the expense of a film that gives stoners a bad name. Besides, we took the bus.
MR. KINCAID comes storming out of his office, arguing with STANLEY.
MR. KINCAID
And if I've told you once, I've told you twenty times, kid, don't expect extra pay just because you locked yourself in the store!
STANLEY
What did you want me to do? It was past 4 am! You woulda been twice as pissed if I'd woke your a-- up, or called the cops and had them bust down the door.
MR. KINCAID
Take a class in car burglary or something! Learn some street smarts!
Mr. KINCAID notices SAM, JONAH, BILL & TED are also all in the store.
MR. KINCAID, CONT'D
What the f--- is this, a committee meeting? I don't see a single one of you doing anything gainful. This is ridiculous! They're six humans in this store, I'm paying five of them to be here, and to handle what number of customers? Zero! Something here doesn't add up. How many of you are on the clock?
SAM
Just me and Jonah.
BILL
Yeah, but me and Ted were about to get on the clock.
MR. KINCAID
What a relief. Listen, kids, I'm glad you're all here, because I have something to tell you. I'm going out of town for a couple days. Stanley's in charge. See ya in a few.
MR. KINCAID heads for the front door.
STANLEY
Does this mean I get manager's pay?
MR. KINCAID
(calling back as he exits the store)
And air out the break room!
Everyone looks at each other in slight disbelief, but not too surprised at MR. KINCAID'S short notice travel plans.
JONAH
What did I tell ya, Sam. If anybody calls, tell 'em the assistant manager's in the back.
JONAH heads for the break room.
STANLEY
(calling after him)
I want that door left open now, you hear? Don't give me that routine about the missing screw! Well, everybody, I guess the first thing I should do is make out a work schedule for y'all.
SAM
Get real. I suppose you'll be on it approximately one shift out of the week?
STANLEY
No way, baby, managing's a tough job. I'll be here at least two shifts a week. Hey Ted, whassup, man. Have you seen Two Girls and a Guy yet?
SAM
Can't we have a normal conversation sometime about something other than movies?
Conversation pauses as everyone turns to look at SAM.
STANLEY
Whawuzzat?
SAM
I mean it, Why do I always feel like I'm competing with you guys on some perpetual name-dropping, movie knowledge scorecard? I feel like I'm trapped in that scene from The Player.
STANLEY, BILL & TED exchange knowing glances.
BILL
Right. You know, man, like, Nashville is totally overrated. Have you ever seen that sh--?
TED
No way! You've flipped, dude, Nashville is the wicky wack killer kind bud flick. Altman was on it. F---ing, like, ensemble film making at its best.
STANLEY
Quintet! Paul Newman trapped in an ice age wasteland, forced to play a game to pass the time before his death. Hey, are we still in the game? Has anyone around here seen a diseased pod?
SAM
Only three stoners diseased with terminal slack. Besides, shut up! That's the second movie someone's mentioned so far that hasn't even come out yet, you're destroying the continuity.
STANLEY
That hurts, Sam.
TED
Wow, excellent idea! How about a movie about virtual reality, see, with a twist. Check it out!
BILL
The characters get so wrapped up in the whole, you know, VR system, that they become totally unable to tell what's real and what's fake.
SAM
I bet you're the first person to think of that, too.
TED
Yeah, but our movie's gonna have strippers all dressed in like, leather nurse uniforms strapping the dudes into their virtual reality pods.
BILL
And they're gonna get to smoke synthetic reefer right out of a big tank before they blast off! That'll increase the intensity of their hallucinations!
TED
Yeah!
STANLEY
I saw this movie once, Village of the Giants. And it was like that, well, actually, it had nothing to do with that, except there was this funky potion all the kids drank and it made 'em enter another universe.
SAM
I saw that silliness on USA Up All Night when I was about twelve. They didn't enter another dimension, you bonehead, they grew fifty feet tall.
STANLEY
Whatever. I should have known you would have peeped that movie, Sam, since it was all about middle class teenagers, bourgeois youth revolt, blah blah blah.
SAM
You're not Sean Penn, Stanley, blah blah blah. So I like John Hughes. What's wrong with him?
STANLEY
Nothing's wrong with him, Sam, he's just tired. He had this one burst of creativity circa when aliens shot down the space shuttle, then his sh-- sputtered.
BILL
Yeah, dude, he fell off the track. That cat hasn't made a movie in like, ten years.
TED
The eighties are over, man.
STANLEY
Wasn't his last film with Michael J. Fox and those Weird Science kids as like, struggling vacuum cleaner salesmen?
SAM
You completely made that up. Take it back!
STANLEY
You look so much like Molly Ringwald.
SAM
Don't you wish you had a close circle of friends, Stanley, that you could share your innermost secrets with? Really get to know each other like they did in the Breakfast Club?
BILL
Ted and I share an excellent relationship with each other.
STANLEY
We're having a rap session right now. You wanna rap? Answer the question! Number two, those kids hardly knew each other. And they sure as hell didn't speak to each other the next day.
TED
Man, are you kidding? They formed real bonds! Especially Matt Dillon and that girl who looks like Claire Danes, what's her name.
BILL
No, it was Matt Dillon and Molly Ringwald who hooked up. Emilio Estevez scored with, um, what's her name.
TED
TV Party tonight! Don't fear the Repo Man.
BILL
I was waiting for a mission...watching the slug crawl along the side of a straight razor...then I realized, the more you drive around, the dumber you become. It's driving in our cars that makes us so stupid. And greed is good, like, as long as I get to make it with Daryl Hannah.
STANLEY
The evolution of man through the bloodlines of Martin Sheen. Right on.
SAM
Ally Sheedy and Judd Nelson.
TED
Dude, you're so right. Wow. It was Judd Nelson in that movie. Matt Dillon was in Sixteen Candles.
SAM
Hello? That was Paul Dooley.
BILL
Who?
STANLEY
Some actor whose career never went anywhere 'cuz people confused him with Matt Dillon.
SAM
Oh wow, check it out. It's 4:20.
BILL & TED
(looking at each other)
Break time!
BILL & TED run towards the break room.
CUT TO:
INT. VIDEODROME - DAY - VIDEO AISLES
A group of teenage girls comes into the Videodrome. They all have crushes on JONAH. JONAH returns from the break room and joins STANLEY and SAMANTHA up front. The girls wander around trying to decide what movie to rent. After several false possibles, one of them picks up Gregg Araki's Nowhere.
YOUNG GIRL CUSTOMER #1
Hey, look. It says, "Beverly Hills 90210 on acid." Nowhere.
JONAH
(grabbing box away from her)
No, no, no, don't rent that. You don't want to see that.
YOUNG GIRL CUSTOMER #1
Why not? What is it?
STANLEY
It's a very anti-social film that conveys the wrong messages to today's youth.
YOUNG GIRL CUSTOMER #1
Cool! I want that one!
JONAH
Sorry, it's already checked out. And look, you've got three sleazy movies already. The Craft? Clueless? Scream? More typical crap you guys shouldn't be watching.
YOUNG GIRL CUSTOMER #2
(holding up tape)
Look, it's not checked out. Here it is. Let's get Nowhere.
JONAH
(grabbing tape away from her)
Let me see that.
JONAH inspects the tape.
JONAH, CONT'D
Actually, you're right. But this copy's broken. Check back next week.
YOUNG GIRL CUSTOMERS #1-3
(looking disappointed)
Awwww...
The girls pay for their movies and leave the store.
SAM
So what's your problem with that film? I've never even noticed it in here.
STANLEY
Nowhere? By Gregg Araki? The guy who did Doom Generation?
SAM
Oh yeah. So?
JONAH
Look, Samantha, it's a wack film made by a guy who doesn't give a f---.
STANLEY
The problem with Nowhere, Sam, can be summed up neatly. Message: Wrong. It's anti-subversive. Excellent eye candy - kids with eyes popping out probably looking at that sh-- all day long. But the lessons they're absorbing are ill.
JONAH
Everybody's beautiful. Everybody's rich. Everybody has unprotected sex and engages in numerous other self-destructive behaviors.
STANLEY
Hello? Can you say been there fifty times? No f---ing redeeming message in this film whatsoever. I got more edification watching thirty seconds of Welcome Home Brother Charles than in the whole of this doo-doo.
JONAH
Thirty seconds of any episode of Welcome Back Kotter has more to say than Nowhere.
SAM
Stanley, you're such a hypocrite. For as long as I've known you, you've been all over that movie Kids, always going on about how it's a bleak portrayal of today's youth, but that's o.k., it's supposed to wake people up to their children's reality. How's this film any different?
STANLEY
And I'll say it again, give Larry Clark his due, 'cuz he's the man. Kids was on the real tip, Nowhere is about somebody's ego trip. I know people who personally know several of the actors from Kids, like that girl in the lesbian scene at the rave?
SAM
She was from around here until she moved to New York. I saw her at a couple of raves in Baltimore, rolling her face off. Big deal.
STANLEY
See, she was straight living that party girl lifestyle - going up in smoke. The kid who played Caspar? He's dead of a heroin overdose. Died last year. This is reality, baby. Is it reality when I get Christina Applegate, Traci Lords, and Shannen Doherty to do cameos in my movie? Peter and Jan from the Brady Bunch? Charlotte Rae from Family Ties? Or have space aliens abducting people?
JONAH
(reading from the box)
Read what it says on the box - "at its core, an overtly sexual, achingly real story about a sensitive kid struggling with a quest for eternal love in a fractured world." Bullsh--, because at its core this movie was about designing a slick, stylish-looking piece of throwaway echo-boom mind-filler with as much deep dialogue as Party Doll A-Go-Go Vol 2.
SAM
You object to what they wrote on the box? Please.You two probably like this film so much you're gonna watch it tonight. Conned those poor little girls out of their movie. You a--holes.
JONAH
Not. Alright, seriously. You wanna know what? I can't stand that film, really, but it still made my top ten list last year. Six words, groups of two: Heather Graham. Rollergirl. Boogie Nights.
STANLEY
Yeah, but you see her like once. I'll lick chocolate out her p---y any ol' time, though.
JONAH
Bet!
SAM
F--- you guys, looking for your Rollergirls. They don't really exist.
STANLEY
Not anymore, baby, but they did. Back in the day. And that day is coming around again, full circle, just like a spinning wheel. Hustling times in ghetto streets.
SAM
Trying to get over, right? Hah. Can't be like the rest is the most you'll confess. I'm hip to your little old school lyric games. All I'm saying is you've got to stop confusing real women with the chicks from your adolescent porn fantasies if you ever want to find true love.
JONAH
Have you ever watched a triple-X film?
SAM
(doing a doubletake)
What?
JONAH
I mean it, Samantha, have you? How many tapes have you rented to porn connosieurs since you've worked here? Little curious, ever?
SAM
No! Why should I demean myself by watching other women get exploited on videotape?
JONAH
Oh come on, Samantha, if anything, it's the guys in porn who are exploited. They're underpaid, expendable, and treated like dirt. Women are the stars, they call the shots. And they get mad paid. I'd have sex all day long and show off my body if someone was willing to pay me to do it. Besides, we're talking about good, vintage 70's porn. Porn had plots back then, it was shot on film, not videotape. F--- the 80's and 90's.
STANLEY
Pictures of naked people, butt naked, having sex while naked. Sex. Sex is natural. Very natural. It happened in the Garden of Eden. That's all porn is. What's the hangup?
SAM
I can't believe I'm discussing this subject with a wanna-be pimp and a would-be porn star. End. Peace.
SAM walks away.
JONAH
Whatever. Like Samantha gets laid more than once a year, anyway.
STANLEY
She's a fox, man. C'mon, you know you'd like to.
JONAH
Can't get with it, b. Too many Rollergirls, not enough time.
JONAH pauses for a moment, then remembers what he was supposed to tell STANLEY.
JONAH, CONT'D
Oh, by the way, you need to call Emma and Harold at her place. They've got some scheme cooking.
STANLEY
Like I need more schemes. What's up?
JONAH
I'm not even gonna get into it. They were talking crazy sh-- and smoking some killer herb when they left here.
STANLEY
Nothin' new there. Break time!
STANLEY heads for the break room.
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