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As you can see, I'm half cat and half crab.
Every month, the head of ebay, Mrs. Edna Welthorpe, comes round to my bungalow and I have to feed her Bourbon biscuits and tinned sweetcorn in sugared, salted water in return for her sparing my life. She also insists that I put on my Portuguese man-o-war costume and sing the hits of Spandau Ballet whilst acting out pivotal scenes from Series 2 of Inspector Morse.
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This is one of my many cunning disguises.
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I enjoy windsurfing and eating carrot cake.
I have been addicted to shrimps and catnip since 1942.
My father's name was Trevor. He was half iguana, half loo-brush.
My mum's called Brenda and is half jellyfish, half beetroot.
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