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Like the warnings on sleeping pills (may cause drowsiness) and peanut packages (contains nuts), I must *sigh* issue this warning. WARNING: This page contains some REALLY BAD ADVICE - do not follow any of it and do not interpret any of this advice as encouragement to violate any eBay policy or the eBay User Agreement. Instead, use this REALLY BAD ADVICE to learn from the mistakes of others. DOSAGE: Once daily. KNOWN SIDE EFFECTS: Use of this page more often than the prescribed dosage may cause involuntary convulsions, falling to the floor, tubular rotations and the disconnection of your gluteus maximus from the rest of your body.
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Table of Contents
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REALLY BAD ADVICE (RBA)
I don't make this up. All of the RBA below was taken from actual situations.
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RBA For eBay
- Send out PayPal email messages signed "Agents Name" -- (July 2008).
- Give a workshop for sellers to "help sellers maximize their fees and increase their sales". (They did, on March 10, 2008.)
- As a follow up to a PayPal dispute resolution, send out this statement: "If you live, you can file a general complaint if you are unsatisfied with the level of service you received from PayPal. Your complaint will be routed to a PayPal Customer Service representative who will respond to your complaint" (If the level of service killed you, well, then nevermind.)
- Create a system (the mutual feedback withdrawal system, coupled with selling restrictions based on negative feedback received) that allows buyers to extort after delivery discounts and free products. Tout this system as created to "maintain a safe trading environment". (What about the safety of the sellers?)
- Reply to a question about selling restrictions sent by eBay member name MYACCOUNT with the following: "After a thorough investigation, we have found there to be a link between your account and "MYACCOUNT". (Well, DUH! - they are the same account!)
- Deny a Significantly Not as Described PayPal claim since the item was covered with rat feces. Reason for denial: failure to ask seller any questions (like, Is this item covered with rat feces?)
- Announce a new policy stating the seller must use an accurate location in their listings, "so buyers can estimate the likely shipping costs and delivery times". Give as an example "my mother's attic". (That's helpful!)
- End a seller's auction for a "Disco Gold" album because it contains no gold metal, so it must be keyword spamming.
- Set up a system where a person can post items they want. Then allow the person to report every single response they get.
- Send out official notices to members with the subject line of "FIB NOTICE".
RBA For Sellers - Terms of Sale
- "Unless there is a good excuse I will give your money back" (who decides if your excuse is good?)
- Charge $10 extra for a HASSLE FREE RETURN OPTION, which allows your buyers to return the item if they are not happy with it. (Shouldn't that be FREE?)
- Strange enticement: "I have sold over 1000 items on Ebay and I have had only 6 unhappy customers and I have found that sometimes when people are unhappy no matter what you do to make them happy they just choose to be unhappy. So as you view my merchandise bid with confidence and know that even those Idiots that left me negative feedbacks have my love and my negative feedbacks in return." (This will need revision under current eBay rules.)
- After having listings canceled by eBay for a policy violation you don't agree with, relist the item with these words: "This listing does not violate any policies". Get upset when they cancel the listing again.
- Put "We will add a $10 fee to a bidder's invoice in which we have to take the time to explain basic eBay & PayPal terms to a buyer" and "We charge a $5 late fee PER AUCTION for payments not received within eight days after an auction ends". (Good luck actually collecting these fees.)
- Put "Note: to protect us from carried-away bidders, we can only refund the starting price on auctions." (This may effectively protect you from 'carried-away' bidders - and all other bidders too.)
- Put "WE VALUE FAMILY AND WILL BE CLOSED DURING THE WEEK OF EVERY HOLIDAY, VACATION, AND SUNDAY." (Um, doesn't every single week contain a SUNDAY?)
- Use: "If you aren't completely satisfied with your purchase and you handle any issues professionally I will gladly make things right. If you are a jackass, I will hunt you down and s*it on your forehead. Happy Bidding!!!" (Why on the forehead?)
- Use: "I reserve the right to repeat the auction, and to include bids made in the prior auction in any subsequent auction - relisting the auction DOES NOT release bidders from responsibility for their bids." (If you are going to make rules, make a rule that is even possible to implement.)
- Use: "These are high quality pieces. Not one of the poorly crafted mass-produced items available here on eBay." (Umm, isn't your item "here on eBay"?)
- Honesty #2 -- Use: "Note that our shipping and handling costs may seem heavy on the "handling" side - we do this to avoid eBay insertion fees. We feel this is fair because 1) The total net price to you is the same (compared to raising the starting bid amount), and 2) We are honest about this policy of ours and thus do not wish to mislead anyone." (Just because you tell people you are doing it does not make it allowable. Also, you ARE misleading eBay!)
- Use: "Please make sure you are paying the correct shipping rate. If you short me on shipping, expect a 6-8 year delay in receiving your item, and I MEAN IT!" (However, expect a similar delay in receiving my bid.)
- Use: "If you do not like the wording of our terms, please do not make a fool of yourself by emailing me and whining about it." (Don't whine because your items are not getting any bids.)
- Use: "I use 'FOUL LANGUAGE' to express how much you are WASTING MY VALUABLE TIME AND ENERGY when my requests for payment are ignored. I have a zero tolerance policy on this matter." (You'd better not ignore this %^&*?# seller!)
- Put in your terms of sale that you will charge the buyer $2,000 if they leave you a false negative feedback. (This would certainly keep me from even bidding, so you don't have to worry about feedback from me.)
RBA For Sellers - General Advice
- When your listing says: "I bought the purse when I was vacationing in Italy and received it as a gift from one of my Italian relatives", don't wonder why no one believes you.
- When a buyer inquires about your high shipping charge, explain that it includes a portion of your babysitter fee so you can go to the post office. (Don't be surprised if they don't think that should be in there.)
- In an effort to increase your feedback score, send a feedback reminder immediately after shipping. Then send another once you think they've received the item. After this, send them every 6 hours until appropriate feedback is left. (However, you may find this tactic actually DECREASES your score.)
- When you don't have a digital camera, email a competitor and ask for "additional photos". When they come with watermarks, email them back and ask for them "without markings". Be surprised when your listings start getting canceled for using the photos of others.
- Put up a joke auction, and when it sells for an astronomical price, laugh, until you look at your invoice and see the final value fee of $17,402.02 has appeared and it is due tomorrow! (Yikes!)
- Mistakenly list tires with the wrong size. When the buyers complain that the tires they received are a different size, refuse to refund because you can "mathematically prove" they will fit the buyer's vehicle. Next, in the mistaken belief that the tire size you listed in your auction does not even exist, accuse sellers of knowingly buying them in a scheme to somehow defraud YOU. (Um, refund the money. Also, see the tire graphic at bottom of this page.)
- Put up an auction for a "Paintball Gun Picture", describing the specifications of the paintball gun pictured in great detail. When the winning bidder realizes he is only getting an emailed photograph of a paintball gun and complains, refuse to refund the over $380 PayPal payment because you think the email was rude. Claim you were only proving a point that some bidders don't read auction descriptions. (PayPal will also be proving a point about emailed auction winnings.)
- Receive the common scam email asking you to "immediately" ship your item to Africa upon receipt of notice of a pending money order payment. Wisely come to the discussion boards to ask about it. However, even though advised to completely ignore the offer, begin correspondence with the scammer so that you don't hurt their feelings. (Scammers don't care about how you will feel when they have your item and you have nothing.)
- Charge an extra 3% for using PayPal (not allowed), then complain when the bidder reports you to PayPal. Warn people to "stay away" from such an "awful, bad bidder". (But you will be labeled an "awful, bad seller".)
- Honesty #1 -- Sell fake Louis Vuitton purses - give people 'luxury at a cheap price'. When eBay ends those auctions because they are fakes, change the auction description to 'AUTHENTIC'. Then be surprised when the bidder reports you to eBay for selling fake purses as if they were real. Then complain about eBay for punishing you for being 'honest' by revealing you were selling fake purses in the first auctions. (Honesty and selling fake purses is a contradiction in terms.)
- Put 'Gucci' in ALL your auction titles, even though you aren't selling anything that is actually Gucci. Then defend the practice by saying "searchers can just put -Gucci in the search box if they don't want to find my auctions". (But, but, what if people are actually searching for Gucci items???)
- TyPe YoUr LiStInGs In AlTeRnAtInG uPpEr aNd LoWeR cAsE lEtTeRs. (BuT MoSt pOtEnTiAl bIdDeRs wIlL fLeE.)
- If a potential bidder emails a question that is clearly answered in the auction description - start your answer with "As is CLEARLY STATED in the AUCTION DESCRIPTION, ...". (You don't want dummies bidding on your stuff anyway, right?)
RBA For Sellers - Bidding & Bidder Restrictions
- "BID ONLY IF YOU FULLY INTEND TO LEAVE ME FIVE STAR POSITIVE FEEDBACK IN THE DETAILED SELLER RATINGS REGARDING SHIPPING AFTER YOU RECEIVE YOUR ITEM."
- "Unfortunately due to previous non-payers I have now made it policy that all future non-payers will be barred from bidding on my future auctions." (Another seller with a crystal ball?)
- "If you have a feedback score of, say 0, meaning, you are new to ebay, you'd have to send me 30 dollars via paypal. And then you would be allowed to bid on my item in the last 30 minutes of the auction, and only in the last 30 minutes." (wait, it gets better) "If you did not win the auction, your 30 dollar deposit would be immediately refunded. If you won the auction and payed for the item, your 30 dollars will be refunded after you leave me feedback."
- You PROMISE to NEVER communicate, IN ANY FORM, comparing our SHIPPING TERMS, POLICIES and CHARGES, with other ebay sellers or members." (Translation: "I don't what to hear about it.")
- "If you are a mentally unstable basket case don't bid." (What if I am a mentally stable basket case, can I bid?)
- "Sales now ONLY to Americans born in the U.S.A. - if you were not born in the USA, do not BID - our sales are only for AMERICANS!" (How will you enforce this - require birth certificates?)
- "Along with your payment you must send one postcard of local interest from your area. I am a collector of postcards and I've found that this a great way for me to build my collection of cards from around the world...This is not an option! If your payment arrives WITHOUT a blank photo-postcard it will be returned. By bidding you accept this. Thank you." (This will probably lose more sales than gain you postcards.)
- "I will place this item for resale if anyone makes a bid with less than one day to go. I had a bad experience where I bidded with 5 days to go, watched it day after day and then in the last 10 seconds somebody bidded and I lost it. I don't want this to happen with anyone else. This item will be sold to somebody who really wants it, not someone who is devious." (So you don't want to sell to those willing to bid higher than those that bid early?)
- "SERIOUS BIDDERS ONLY!!! If you are not a SERIOUS bidder, please do NOT bid because auctions ARE TO BE FUN." (You are saying to have FUN you must be SERIOUS; you must be kidding.)
- In reserve auctions, put in your Terms of Sale that any bidders that ask the amount of your reserve will be put on your blocked bidder list. (This will guarantee that they don't win your item.)
RBA For Bidders
- Expect sellers to read and agree to this term on your About Me page: "Acceptance of a bid from me means you the seller agree not to ship my item with a signature required for delivery." (Expect any sellers that actually read that to cancel your bid.)
- Use this when asking a seller to cancel your bid: "I hate to inform you of this and am terribly ashamed. I am currently taking medication that makes me sleepwalk in the middle of the night, go to my computer and bid on Ebay auctions. When I wake up the next day I do not remember doing any of this. Please cancel my bid on item number [deleted]. Thank you very much."
- Ask for a refund for an item but tell the seller that you can't return because you have thrown it away. (Don't be surprised if the seller tells you they can't return your money because they threw it away, too.)
- Don't think about the deadlines for filing a dispute with PayPal for whatever reason (i.e., seller says in hospital, seller says having trouble with PayPal, seller says arm broken, seller says it's on its way, seller says will send another, seller says will check with post office, etc.)
- Win a pair of shoes described as ivory in color, then 2 months later leave the seller a negative feedback stating "wrong color". When asked about the undeserved feedback, reply that you wanted white shoes and thought the picture was of white shoes even though described as ivory. Be surprised to get a negative feedback.
- After paying with PayPal and receiving the wrong item, tape the package back up, mark it 'return to sender' and drop it in the closest mailbox. Then be surprised when you can't get your money back because you can't prove it has been returned.
- If a seller sends you the wrong items, but insists that you ship the items back first in order to receive a refund, rather than do that - call your credit card company and claim that the PayPal payment "must have been bogus" in order to "get back at" the seller. Then be surprised if your PayPal account is suspended, you get a non-payment strike and a call from the police.
- Be upset when you find out you paid $100 for a fake Louis Vuitton purse, not because it is fake, but because you found out the exact same fake purses typically sell for only $35 on eBay.
- Post a discussion forum message about your suspicion that a seller is "bumping up" bids on the car you want to buy. Then get upset with other posters who report the shill bidding because "you really want the car".
- Complain to your seller that there was no MINT in the box. (You know, because the title said MINT IN BOX.)
- See if you can get your seller to let you out of a sale with this excuse: 'I had a Tarot card reading done on you, and it revealed that you are going to die before you ship my item, thus I do not want to send the money.' (You get points for originality, plus an unpaid item dispute.)
- Buy from a seller that lists their items for $1 plus $14 shipping & handling, instead of the seller that lists their item for $12 and a fair amount of shipping & handling of $5 because you pay only $15 to the first seller. (You have saved $2 unless you have to return the item, and the seller says "sorry, no refunds of shipping and handling".)
- Buy a vintage cookie jar. Receive it well packed and quickly. Leave positive feedback for your seller. Wash the cookie jar in the dishwasher totally destroying it because it was NOT dishwasher safe. Demand a refund from the seller. When denied, report it to your state's attorney general. (I think I can the DA laughing right now.)
- Claim you have already sent payment in this manner. Buyer: I sent you a check 9 days ago. Seller: I don't accept checks and thus I have never sent you my mailing address. Buyer: Oh, it was a money order not a check. Seller: Great, but you still don't have my mailing address!! (Sellers can recognize a lie when they hear it.)
- Make an "about Me" page with this: "Due to some recent events that have taken place by various Sellers on Ebay, from now on when we bid and win an Item, we DO NOT make ANY types of payments until we have recieved the item beforehand". (Bid and win auctions, then insist that the seller abide by your TOB - terms of bidding.)
- Ask a seller some questions. Since they don't answer them before the auction ends, don't bid. (fine so far) Several days later, send the seller a message saying to ignore your questions because you didn't bid. When the seller mistakes you for a non-paying bidder and asks you to pay $7 in fees since you are obviously backing out of the deal, immediately go out and hire a lawyer to send a letter to the seller saying you aren't paying for something upon which you did not bid. (Ignoring the seller would have been just as effective, and a lot cheaper.)
- Ask a seller of printed material if, instead of having to bid, would they would just photo copy the item. Offer to pay the photocopying fees. After all, this will save you the cost of actually BUYING the item! (Apparently you are "unclear on the concept" of eBay and copyright laws.)
- Email the seller of the auction you just won to say you can't pay because you just broke your arm. (Don't be surprised when Guido shows up to break your leg, too.)
- Teach your friend how eBay's Buy It Now (BIN) works by actually executing the BIN on five of a seller's auctions. Then, when asked to pay, say "I wasn't REALLY buying these items!". (Next, teach your friend about the Unpaid Item Dispute process.)
- Accuse a seller of changing the auction description AFTER it ended (which is not possible). Then tell them - "I am also in fact a lawyer for the Consumer Protection Agency in DC therefore I will take this matter to the highest level of punishment to make an example of dishonest persons like yourself are banned from Ebay and blacklisted." (Imagine your embarrassment when eBay tells you the auction wasn't altered and that your grammar is pitiful.)
- Leave this one word negative feedback: "Shady!" 14 days after the auction ends and even after the seller refunds your money and tells you to keep the product if it eventually shows up. (Don't be surprised when you get your own one-word negative feedback.)
- Tell sellers you are going into the hospital for surgery tomorrow, and will be in intensive care, so you can't pay for the item you won. (When they notice you are still bidding "from intensive care", don't be surprised when your eBay account gets suspended.)
- (NOTE: this is the Really "Baddest" Advice I have EVER given.) Pay for an expensive auction item with Western Union money transfer, and believe the story that the seller is temporarily out of the country, believe that eBay vouches for the trustworthiness of the seller, believe that you will get free shipping, believe that you are covered by a 100% money back guarantee by the seller, and believe you are getting a very good deal. (But believe me, you will NEVER receive the item or your money back.)
- If the seller states in their description that they will ship within 10 business days of payment receipt, leave them a negative feedback only 10 calendar days after auction end for being too slow. (Next time, perhaps you could be a bit more patient?)
- Ask for a partial refund because the bubble wrap in the package you received looks like it might have been previously used, even if your item arrived in perfect condition. (!)
- Bid on something. Then on the last day, email the seller and advise them that your bid is "conditional" on something, like getting a one year warranty. (!)
- Bid and buy items on eBay and assume the answer to certain questions without asking the seller first. Never use the "ask the seller a question" link. (You like surprises, right?)
- Bid on 10 of the same item, then email the sellers of all but the cheapest item you won, that you "don't need" their item any more. (This is a very fast way to becoming suspended.)
- Expect to actually receive a 96 Inch Plasma TV for $6.99, not just information on where you might get one. (You aren't really that stupid, are you?)
- If you are unhappy with the item you receive, immediately leave a blistering, nasty, negative feedback comment. Then contact the seller for a refund AND ask to keep the item. (I guarantee that the seller will not be cooperative. --2007 update: This is now how feedback works since eBay instituted the mutual feedback withdrawal process.)
RBA For Everyone
- Get free USPS Priority Mail tape for your windows when you paint the outside of your house. You will find it does not remove easily. When the postal worker drives by and notices, and comes to your door to inquire, yell curse words and chase him off. (Then wonder why your mail frequently doesn't arrive.)
- Follow any or all of the Really Bad Advice on this page. (Get it? wink-wink)
- If you are afraid of a retaliatory negative feedback, wait until 11:59 pm on the 90th day, then "let it all hang out" and "give them a piece of your mind". This way they can't retaliate. (This is bad advice because there is no 90 day limit.)
- Fry bacon or do ironing in the nude (No comment necessary).
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Really Bad Auction Descriptions or Terms
From Real Auctions
- THREE ANGELS, ONE WITH HARP ONE WITH DUMB ONE WITH WREATH.
- DOO-DOO Tooth Pick Dispenser. (For getting doo-doo out of your teeth? Ewwww.)
- I do not charge for any boxes, handling & NO HIDDING FEE's (like some do ). i will be happy to refund over actual postage, if the refund is more than $1.80...ONLY IF YOU ASK FOR IT. (Rotten writing, and...how will I know to ask for a refund?)
- I don't have the slightest clue what this is, so bare with me. (How is getting nude together going to help?)
- Shipping and handling charges are fixed and is stated below. That is just for the lower 48 states. STATES WEST OF TEXAS add $5.00 more dollars to S.H. (Are the charges fixed or not? Aren't most states west of Texas considered part of the lower 48 states?)
- These discs are aftermarket and remanufacTURD but they work perfectly. (Bootlegs are turds; I guess that's the message.)
- This is an interesting Copper Dragon Candle Holder, it is very heavy, AND it weighs a lot also. (WOW, both heavy AND weighs a lot?)
- A very nice piece of history that YOU WILL NEVER IN YOUR LIFE TIME EVER BE ABLE TO ACQUIRE!!! (So why should I bother bidding?)
- There will be serious CONSCIENCES & action taken For not paying. (What, you will make me feel guilty?)
- PLEASE Bid Early to avoid any DISAPPOINTMENT OF WINNING the item. (If I don't bid early, will I still be disappointed?)
- I gave it to my close friends last year and it was a very emotional time for me... because now both of my best friends ARE GONE. (If I were the least bit superstitious, this would make me NOT buy this item.)
- TO Continental U.S. ONLY Do not bid if you are from these states: CT, FL, GA, IN, KY, MD, MA, MI, OK, TN, UT and VT. (Are these states in the incontenental U.S?)
- All sales are final unless item is MISTAKENLY MISREPRESENTED (But what if you intentionally misrepresented the item?)
- Please, no DEAD bidders. (They probably wouldn't pay anyway.)
- Bid today before someone BEATS YOU tomorrow. (Don't answer your doorbell tomorrow, unless you bid on this today.)
- I cannot ship outside the 48 CONTINIGUMINOUS states. (Umm, where's that?)
- Ten commandments wall PLAGUE. (Title of religious wall decoration.)
- It's made out of lead, tin, and ALIMONY. (Description of a metal paperweight.)
- IT IS HARD TO BELIEVE... but, I sell top quality merchandise. (I believe it - I think.)
- Comes with a certificate of AUTHENTICTY PROFEESIONALLY computer created. (I hope they spell it correctly.)
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Really Bad Bidder Warnings
Warnings Found in Auction Terms of Sale
- If you are going to be a PITA - do not bid.
- If you are going to claim non-delivery - do not bid.
- If you are going to pay with PayPal by credit card, then after receiving the product, initiate a chargeback with your credit card company - do not bid.
- If you don't like our shipping rates - do not bid.
- If you are going to claim the item is damaged, when it really isn't - do not bid.
- If you are going to leave negative feedback without first contacting me in an effort to resolve the issue - do not bid.
- If you are going to bid and then not pay - do not bid. (This one is quite common, but after reading the above, it sounds quite silly.)
- If you can't read and follow my auction terms of sale - do not bid. (This one reveals why none of these warnings will actually work.)
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Really Bad Auction Acronyms |
Really Bad Forum Acronyms |
- OOAK = Only Oddballs Actually Know
- NWOT = Not What Others Think
- NWT = Now With Tear
- NR = No Refunds, No Returns, No Retreads
- NIB = Noticeably Includes Bend (or Break)
- NEW = Not Extremely Wornout (or Wrinkled)
- MIB = Mashed Inside Box
- L@@K = See My Boobs
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- LMAO = Laughing My Appendix Out
- LOL = Loony Old Lady
- ROTF = Really Old Tired Feeling
- IMHO = Idiotic Moronic Horrible Opinion
- ASAP = At Slow Agonizing Pace
- FWIW = Forgot What I Wanted
- OP = Obnoxious Person
- NARU = Nasty And Really Ugly
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Really Bad Spelling |
Really Bad Word Usage |
- sliver = shiny metal (not glod)
- glod = shiny metal (not sliver)
- bowel = a container for cereal or salad (s/b bowl)
- differant = not the same (s/b different)
- bidded = placed a bid (s/b bid)
- payed = made a payment (s/b paid)
- hugh = really large (s/b huge)
- definately = for sure (s/b definitely)
- satan = a smooth shiny cloth (s/b satin)
- alot = large quantity (s/b a lot)
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- there = belonging to them
- their = not here
- hear = near you
- here = listen to something
- your = contraction of "you are"
- you're = belonging to you
- then = in comparison
- than = before now
- to = in addition, also
- too = towards a destination
- loose = to misplace something
- lose = not tight fitting
- advise = a piece of helpful information
- advice = to provide helpful information
- plague = an award or other wall hanging
- plaque = a devastating infestation
- except = to agree to take
- accept = everything but
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Really Bad Category Suggestions |
Really Bad Auction Suggestions |
Make these items easier to find:
- Begging: Breast Enhancement
- Fetishes: Used Underwear
- Revenge: This Guy Cheated Me
- Lotteries: Mystery Envelopes
- Nothing: Don't Bid - Just Email Me
- Scams: Plasma HD TVs (under $100)
- Feedback: Jello Recipes (and + FB)
- Humor: Anti-CatScan Devices (for cats)
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Suggestions for Attention-Getting items:
- Mystery Map and Key to Something
- Gross Bra
- Hairy Man in Wedding Dress
- Michael Jackson's Nose
- Face on Grilled Cheese
- Dust Bunny
- Skeleton
- Ghost (put in jar)
- Dirty Old Cheeto
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A Lot About Alot |
Bullies On The Boards |
There is no such word as alot.
Of some thing, one day, you'll own scads.
It will be more than bits or tads.
You'll have a peck, a bunch, a slew,
A heap, a load or quite a few,
It might be a pile or a pot;
But never will you have ALOT.
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to tune of Riders on the Storm (Doors)
Bullies on the boards
Bullies on the boards
Into this thread were born
Into LiveWorld were thrown
Like a troll without a bridge
Something smelly in the fridge
Bullies on the boards
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Wild Feedback
Real feedback left
- Super fat payment (for buyer of diet plan).
- This product will not make you invisible (for secret of invisibility).
- This is not a room divider it is only 15 inches tall!
- A month to arrive, wrong color and poor quality. Otherwise, a good buy.
- Tastes like crap - Thanks! (for stop nail-biting product).
- My husband's quickest erection ever (for quick assembly tent).
- Nothing like a soft, comfy place to take a dump (for bedside commode).
- Advertoon's Feedback Collection
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Feedback From Bible Times
If eBay Were Around Back Then
- Positive: Ordered water, got wine! A+++++++++ Will buy from again.
- Negative: Took 40 years to deliver - from just Egypt to Israel.
- Negative: Ordered spare ribs, got Woman. :-(
- Positive: Great horns, Josh, I could knock a city over with these!
- Negative: The coat did indeed have many colors, but it also had blood stains.
- Negative: Never received gold ring, seller claims someone made golden calf out of it.
- Positive: Isaac, those pills really worked! I am naming my son after you!
- Negative: Said ark was only used once, but looks like it has been through a flood - and it smells really bad.
- Negative: Bought 'giant-killer', got sling and some stones.
- Negative: Bidder never paid, claims ClayPal froze his account, but he didn't send the Roman Union money order either.
- Positive: Bought mystery concept and expected little or nothing, received forgiveness and eternal life.
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If Sex Were Given Feedback
- Positive (from a woman): Took his sweet time delivering.
- Negative (from a woman): Sent item too quickly.
- Neutral (from a woman): Would do again, if drunk enough.
- Positive (from a man): Will be back for more.
- Neutral (from a man): Will be back for more.
- Negative (from a man): Will be back for more, if drunk enough.
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Suggestions I've Seen Made to Improve eBay
Some good - some REALLY BAD
- REQUIRE a separate password for selling. [This could cut down on one of the uses of hijacked accounts.]
- SHOW the number of legit, substantiated Non Performing Seller strikes for each seller.
- BAN sellers if their feedback isn't 99% or higher. [They are working on this one.]
- PUT a huge flashing banner reading "This area is known for fraudulent auctions" over the categories known for fraudulent auctions.
- SHOW bidder's feedback percentage next to their ID on the items upon which they are bidding. [Why, they should all be 100% now.]
- SHOW all neutral and negative feedback comments received by the seller in the last 30 days at the bottom of every one of their auctions.
- REQUIRE 10 positive feedback before being allowed to leave any negative feedback.
- ADD an easy access button in each auction to "REPORT USER" and "REASON FOR REPORTING". [They sort of did this one.]
- REQUIRE new buyers and sellers to go through some sort of "structured online orientation" before they can sell or bid.
- ALLOW a section of an auction description to contain unrelated keywords, but any words in that section would not be found by the search engine. (Why bother? Wat good would THAT do?)
- PROHIBIT dealers from bidding on anything so that the "people of eBay" have a chance of "getting a deal" on things.
- SHOW the number of auctions cancelled by sellers, regardless of the reason, just like bid retractions.
- EXTEND auctions 5 minutes for each bid received within the last five minutes of the auction.
- FORCE sellers to charge a buyer only the actual amount paid to the shipper.
- FORCE sellers to take
 ayal. [They are doing everything they can toward this goal. Aug-2008 update! They are almost there!]
- FORCE sellers to leave feedback first.
- FORCE buyers to leave feedback first.
- DON'T allow feedback to be left by a bidder which the seller claims never paid.
- DON'T allow feedback to be left by a seller which the bidder claims didn't send the item.
- PROHIBIT retaliatory negative feedback. Once one negative feedback is left, the other party may not leave a return negative feedback.
- ELIMINATE 1 day auctions (violations can't be dealt with in a timely fashion by eBay - this might also be said of three day auctions too).
- ELIMINATE $0.01 auctions (now frequently used to mutually pad feedback of buyer and seller).
- ELIMINATE test auctions (too much abuse).
- ELIMINATE the PowerSeller Program (OR actually enforce the rules for them, too). [Well, they did elimnate the PowerSeller of the Month award, since all the recipients were policy breakers, and this embarassed eBay terribly.]
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To What Should I Change My eBay ID?
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Dimwit Suggestions:
- what_a_maroon (sorry, taken)
- dickhead (sorry, taken)
- idiot (sorry, taken)
- moron (sorry, taken)
- dumb_dork (sorry, taken)
- stupid_tom (sorry, taken)
- stupid_dick (sorry, taken)
- stupid_harry (AVAILABLE - hurry!)
- stupid_dummy (AVAILABLE - hurry!)
- mentally_deficient (AVAILABLE - hurry!)
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Prove You're Tough Suggestions:
- uses_monthly_cactus_pads
- wears_eau_de_colon_!_pu
- runs_nekkid_through_rose_gardens
- walks_on_road_at_night
- mentions_weight_gain_of_spouse
- pokes_beehives
- makes_love_in_poison_ivy
- attracted_to_trolls
- uses_piranhas_to_pick_nose
- annoys_cops_at_traffic_stops
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What does E.B.A.Y. Stand For?
Possible Meanings
- Ebay's Business Against Yours (May-2008)
- Enabling Bidders to Abuse You (2-10-2008)
- Empty Boxes Are Yours (2-10-2008)
- Every Body Abandon Yahoo (it worked!)
- Earned Barely Anything Yesterday (complaint heard from some sellers)
- Eccentric Bothersome Angry Yaks (a bidder's opinion of some sellers)
- Egomaniacal Bidders Antagonize You (a seller's opinion of some bidders)
- Egotistical Boardies Attack You (occasional board happening)
- Early Bidders Annoy You (a sniper's lament)
- Enormous Bazongas Are Yummy (voted most popular in the guy thread)
- Eventually Boys Age, Yanno (there was doubt expressed about this on the gal thread)
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eBay Competition? |
Tongue Twisters - eBay Style |
- ebaynned.com - for items banned by eBay
- ewwwwbay.com - for gross items only
- ebaaaaaa.com - for sheep related items
- sheeebay.com - only items for females
- heeeebay.com - only items for males
- ebalonay.com - for fake items only
- eeeekbay.com - for haunted items only
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- Numpties Navigate Nervously, Never Knowing Netiquette
- Terrible Terms Terminate in Troubled Transactions
- She Shills Seashells by the Shillshore
- Patty Pondered Peddling Profane Panties for Profit
- Baby Bidders Buy By Bidding Barely Bigger Bids
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Quotes From an eBay Discussion Board
- (Aug-2009)"Makes one kinda want Meg back."
- "Sell cheap and deal with stupid or sell expensive and deal with the educated. It's that simple!" (!)
- "I been blackballed by a blackhead!!"
- "Honest engine!"
- "ebay will not EVER protect their sellers. A buyer can fly to your home and kill you or something strange and ebay would never admit any wrong doing." (I am unfamiliar with the eBay User Agreement section that says they will protect you, let alone protect you from being murdered.)
- "what are your dog's measurements?"
- "Downgrading DSRs definitely detracts, to the detriment of dastardly deceivers."
- "I USED TO LOVE EBAY..."
- "Just wanted to say that I don't capitalize the "e" in ebay any longer. If I were going to use the extra finger for them, it wouldn't be for that."
- "Sellers that mark international shipments as gifts are evading U.S. taxes." (Yeah? Which ones?)
- "Your sellers are leaving in groves." (Addressed to eBay.)
- "It ain't rocket surgery." (It ain't brain science either!)
- "From your "0" rating you're a newbie - usually best for people like you to shut up when it comes to acting in a "challenging" mode asking for evidence." (response to "HOW can it be done?" and "What's your evidence?")
- "I lived in Brooklyn at the time. My buzzard rang, I went downstairs and there was no one." (Most people don't keep a buzzard as a pet, let alone one that can ring!)
- "eBay is making some cutthroat changes but it is their belief it is going to make eBay better as a whole. They are using the same principles the American Constatation was founded upon the sacrifice of the few for the benefit of the masses." (So that's what the 'Constatation' was founded upon!)
- To board posters with less than her 100 feedback score: "You haven't been out here long enough to piss Ebay in the snow let alone mock me with you stupid questions...!!"
- "...now he's being insulting and degrating." (Is it worse to be grated or degrated?)
- "I'm talking about those greedy btards who buy hundreds/thousands of the same thing at 75% off the regular prices, set up the BIN auctions to run the same photos/auctions for months on end and all the have to do is check the computer daily, rake in the profits, send off the pre-packaged envelope, and go about their daily business with the least amount of effort. People who do as little as possible with the greatest amount of gain." (I must want to be a 'greedy btard' because this sounds good to me.)
- "There is only way to get rid of the "Mystery Auctions" and that is to get rid of the stupid bidders. If the members listing these scams weren't making money they would soon move on. Taking money from stupid people is not all bad. At least if they are wasting their money on mystery auctions they aren't spending money on guns or something else that could really hurt other people. Taking money from stupid people is a public service." (Well, since they are stupid, they could be sending money they should be spending on food, shelter and clothing, thus forcing them into a life of crime or onto Welfare to survive.)
- "I like dogs myself. Well, just after women I guess anyway." (no comment)
- "Seller said i will go to jail ... is that possible??" (Yes. You are one dumb scammer asking this question on the T&S board and actually admit that you got PayPal to refund your payment by fraudulently claiming you didn't receive the items, then seek advice about if you'll "really go to jail for doing a 200$ fraud or less?")
- "Whoa is me." (Hold on there, pardner!)
- As part of a complaint about having selling restrictions placed on their account: "I just know that the person who started this is white, the Trust and Safety agent is white and they are doing their job to keep an eye on all african american [sellers]".
- "I am going to go pay the stupid witch now and not take my medications this month just so you morons will stop being jerks." (Reaction by bidder to advice to pay for auction win after seller did not accept excuse that bid was made by accident.)
- "I have started all my auctions for $0.01 -- even for the $5,000 coins -- and never had an unsold one yet." (Yes, they all fetched at least one cent.)
- "Passwords are like underwear, if they are well used and full of holes you should replace them."
- "I have a regular bathroom scale at home, its not that hard to weigh the packages I put up for auction to get an accurate shipping charge."
- "YOU HAVE TO PAY A FEE IF YOUR ITEM DOESNT SELL, WHAT CR@P IS THAT? I AM GOING TO LOOK INTO A LAWYER FOR THIS, I NEVER SIGNED UP IN 05 FOR ALL THESE EBAY FEE HIKES THAT HAPPEN EVERY 3 MONTHS, WHY SHOULD I PAY MORE JUST GET RIPTED OFF MORE AND MORE" (I don't know.)
- "EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT EBAY COULD STOP SHILL BIDDING WITH A SIMPLE SOFTWARE PROGRAM!!!" (If it were truly simple, it would be done.)
- Talking about fake purses... "take anorexia for instance.... if that isnt caused by all these scoundrel companies!"
- Talking about falsifying custom forms..."if the seller has exceeded the speed limit they are already dishonest".
- "I recognized you instantly as a social moron by your unsolicited rude behavior in my post. (Offensive post: "Your ID violates eBay policy.")
- "...the seller then cancled all of her other existing Auctions, using the option of "item no longer available". The people that were bidding on her
other Auctions were fummigated. (Well, that ought to keep them from being furious.)
- "Some bidders keep bidding until they find the reserve and then retract their bid. To prevent a bidder from being forced to make a bid retraction against ebay policy the seller should inform buyers as to the reserve price." (That's as good of a reason as any, I guess.)
- "Paypal doesn't wear black robes." (?)
- "Yep and his collage grades were barley passing." (College of Agriculture?)
- "How can I help my friend from this sister and her friend that is trying to get my friend kicked off ebay??" (I wish I knew.)
- "It's a scam, a Nigerian scam. It's called a 409 scam. (Maybe they've "cleaned up" a bit?)
- "I am always amazed by people who are proud of their ignorance and disdainful of those of us who believe in keeping informed." (I like this one.)
- "Laieh, CLewis and NSSherlock think they own the T&S board....I think those three and a few others need to GET A FREAKING LIFE!!" (I have a life, a very
enjoyable one, too.)
- "It is worth the piece of mind." (Depends on which piece.)
- "I sniped it to keep it from selling so low - I wasn't trying to jack up the price". (Stated by person who's two other accounts were suspended for shill
bidding)
- "They pay Tariffs and I'm sure copyright to the B independent production companies that you normally would not buy for the higher price." (speaking of
imported Chinese DVDs)
- "I was disgutingly polite!" (I laughed my gut out (I was disgutted) when I read that.)
- "Using credit/debit or checks at Outlet stores also sends that information to the IRS." (!)
- "This thread needs to be closed so no more trolls can get off on it."
- "Can someone without legal knownledge tell me if he can do anything to me regarding slander?" (I'm not sure if I'm qualified to answer or not...)
- "How many pounds are in 38 ounces?"
- "The eBay pinks can bite my shorts!" (posted by user who shortly thereafter became NARU.)
- "Actually my fb is 100% if you take away the 17 negs." (This STILL makes me laugh.)
- "Go away. Don't waste my time, you flock of stupid sheep. Stay in the shadows where you belong."
- "I woke this morning to my feedback score going from 847 to 846 and I'm VERY ANGRY! This is NOT fair to us that pay our fees and stay within the rules and buy and sell and keep an active account. For years even. Someone else gets booted and WE get punished!"
- "I had no idea what a pack of complete illiterate doofuses are registered eBay users." (posted by a registered eBay user)
- "99% of the people in here claim to support the part of the constitution that says we have freedom of speech, but yet they contradict it by opposing what I say!" (The constitution doesn't say we have to AGREE with you.)
- "Africa is trying to screw me over...repeatedly!!!!"
- Retort to anti-sniper who thinks sniping should be banned or snipers should be penalized: "Suppose I use my cat to place bids, by having him walk across the keyboard. This is obviously a practice that puts my bidding at a disadvantage. You aren't using a cat, so you have an advantage over me. By your own logic, if I insist that the playing field must be levelled, you must therefore start using a cat to place your bids, or eBay must penalize you."
- "Colorado Bulldog is 1 ounce vodka, 1/2 ounce koala, equal creme and coke." (The Koala Regulatory Agency for Protection [KRAP] asks that you refrain from making this drink!)
- "I always get DC, but this time I did not." ('always' redefined.)
- "You know what, I am going to be a SOB and report all violators. By Monday if I see these DVD copying products, I will go straight to my attorney." (Posted on a Friday by a DVD-copying software seller.)
- "How do you know so much? You don't buy and sell, you don't have any feedback! You are on the defensive for ebay! You aren't fooling anybody. This site is for real ebayers, take your spying and go somewhere else."
- "I am on my husbands computer and I typed pinked and it oinked. I hate the way he has this stupid thing set up." (oink!)
- "I argue plenty and have never been pink sheared." (That could hurt!)
- "Buyers not leaving any feedback should be punished." (Go to your room!)
- A reaction to seller that gave an excuse for not sending widget that proved to be false: "This seller deserves to be tied to a pole and every hair tweezed from her body and then rubbed with hydrogen peroxide (to prevent infection of course)."
- "I thought that if someone was selling on ebay their methods were approved."
- "Are you completely missing the point because you're an idiot or because you think it makes you look clever?" (I'm clever. No, I'm and idiot. No, I'm clever...I can't decide.)
- "Don't drink and do emails." (Sounds like good advice...)
- "I want my hinney to smell like wild flowers." (!)
- "Nothing is a slappable offense unless someone turns you in; Then everything is. Signed, The Voice of Experience"
- "Ebay stock has gone down over half because of the Ebay lack of customer service concerning the feedback system." (So that's why it has declined!)
- "OT is fine by me, but let's make it relevant!" (Complaint about Off Topic threads.)
- "I know its Christmass and all but I wouldnt like to hear no excuse expecially if it sounded like a sorry excuse you hear around hear." (What do I here?)
- "I'm beginning to think eBay is paying its workers to set up accounts and bid on auctions to inflate prices and spur excitement, but then not pay the seller." (!)
- "High handed eBay unlisted my VHS sales, even though I freely admitted they were 'second generation' tapes." (It is not legal to sell bootleg tapes, sir, even when you admit it.)
- "I granulated from college and I'm not sure what you mean." (!)
- "Man I am one of the first 2000 members to sign up on Ebay, Feb 1997, try to find a user who has been here longer." (eBay started in 1995)
- "I got suspended for shill bidding. I started a new ID, but it got supsended too. How do I get my account reinstated?" (posted by user account created that day).
- "I've done this a million times; used E-bay to browse, find the pictures and add them to my auction description. But today, for some reason it is not taking my pictures. What could be the problem?" (You are stealing pictures from eBay auctions, and you want help to do it?)
- "FREE Co-Branded Shipping Boxes for Priority Mail® Service are a government plot to track down ebay sellers for taxes to see how much underground money is out there floating around that the government isn't getting a chunk of." (!)
- "Like you would know, Mr. 0 Feedback" (Apparently he didn't know about posting IDs.)
- "Now that I look at it, "number" is a silly looking word." (Does extra novacaine make you number?)
- Q: Was it addressed to your name or valued member? A: It wasn't directly my name, but more valued member." (!)
- "Thank goodness nothing I've said has made it on your ME page." (Until now!)
- "I'd like to know why all the people who respond to questions and seem to justify E-bay's policies all the time have no feedback? Who are you people, employees of E-bay?" (No, we are just robots.)
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Are You Addicted to eBay? Yes...
- if the clerk at the grocery store ticks you off and you want to leave them negative feedback!
- if you see a cute but too pricey sweater at a store and you think to yourself "back button".
- if you hear the Weird Al eBay song and know all the phrases and what they mean.
- if you wake up in the middle of the night and remember that you wanted to check something out on eBay, then you GET UP and actually go check.
- if your spouse or children have to use "Ask seller a question" to communicate with you, such as 'What's for supper?' or "It is time for church!".
- if the only space left in your house is a path from your computer to the bathroom - a very narrow path.
- if, even though you ride the bus to work, you bring home bubble wrap, packing peanuts and boxes from the office trash.
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Comments from Disturbing Auctions Daily
- I think the dog already had its turn, they do taxidermy on departed pets. Remember the dachsund staring at a wall for the rest of its existence? -- Listing for a stuffed boar with a dog in the photo.
- Oh Lord, won't you buy me a flat-panel tube; My friends all have plasma, they think I'm a boob; I groveled on eBay, but nary a rube; Oh Lord, won't you
buy me a flat-panel tube. -- Listing begging for money to buy a specific new television
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PayPal's Opinion of eBay
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Shitake Mushrooms
Yes, there really is such a thing as a Shitake mushroom (also spelled Shiitake).
Shiitake mushrooms are an edible mushroom typically cultivated on the shii tree (Pasania cuspidata--a relative of the oak). Sometimes called black forest mushrooms or the "nice smelling mushroom".
The earliest written record of Shiitake Mushroom (Lentinus Edodes) dates back to 199 A.D. According to Japanese historical documents, Emperor Chuai praised the Shiitake given to him by the natives of Kyushu.
Actual cultivation of Shiitake originated during the Sung Dynasty (960-1127). Both history and legend credit Wu San Kwung as the originator of Shiitake cultivation, and today, almost every mushroom-growing village in China has a temple in his honor.
Shiitake is the second most widely cultivated mushroom in the world and highly prized for its flavor and health-promoting properties.
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About Me & Photo Gallery
This is my posting ID - Member since June 1999
100% positive feedback buying and selling (so far!).
This page is constantly changing! Generally, newer items are at the top of each list. Updated Nov-14-2009
T&S KKC (secret) Member #58
Declared: 'Chief of eBay Police' - December 2007
Declared: 'person with half a brain' - July 2008
Declared: '100 on ignorance scale of 1 to 10' - September 2008
Hits since 3-23-2003
Sponsored by:
Dell Coupons
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